Page 182 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

This is me through and through. I truly do not know
anything different. Isn’t this the way everyone is? I don’t know
how to just be. To be myself. To be me. Who the hell is me?
With Jake, for the first time in my life, I feel accepted even
when I’m doing nothing. Sitting, breathing, being. No makeup.
No fancy clothes. No performance. No covering up or hiding
my imperfections.
I find myself struggling with these unfamiliar feelings.
I’m not used to someone not only accepting me this way but
encouraging me. Telling me he loves me – this way. Loves me
for just … ME.
Being loved in this unconditional manner is so foreign,
I am tormented. I have a difficult time believing it might be
true. And as we all know, feelings that flow from a jammed-up
well often gush with unabashed abandon. With such power.
And then fear sets in and up go my concrete walls. My very
own heart abruptly stops the flow of all the loving feelings. The
feelings of freedom and acceptance. There is a part of me that
begs to run. How sad to think that I must run from something
so life-giving and beautiful. Simply because it is foreign to
me. Terrifying. But I have been so perfectly conditioned, my
self-worth is based purely on my ability to perform well and
be perfect.
I know that this affair is dangerous. I am betraying my
wedding vows and I feel a deep sense of guilt. And yet, I find
myself swept away by glorious feelings that overwhelm me.
Love, this kind of love, is such a powerful force. It’s not unlike
a drug and it’s unimaginable to think of giving up this painful
pleasure.
Jake and I continue our secret love affair for the next few
years. I am entranced and held captive. Yes, we must live a
double life and yes, it is heartbreaking and exhilarating at the

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