Page 178 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

stepparents and my sister Vian isn’t emotionally available as
she navigates her own survival within her abusive marriage.
My two older brothers, Frankie and Billy? When Mom died,
they both ran as far away as they could get. One to Australia
and the other to Singapore.
Hudson and I are like a lonely island. There is so much
co-dependency and he uses this to his advantage, perhaps
unknowingly, but just the same. I feel isolated. And his
snowballing jealousy prevents any meaningful friendship. My
friends have to be his friends too.
My heart breaks from all the horrible things he says and
the despicable way he treats me and yet I count on him for so
much. And THAT scares me. It’s warped. Everything we have
is totally intertwined, to the point of strangulation.
I’m starting to really dislike who I have become when I’m
with him. My inability to affirm my own personhood causes
me to climb further back into my shell. I really can’t be myself
anymore. I haven’t been myself for a long time. In fact, I’m
beginning to feel like I don’t even know who myself is.
I’m trapped. Oh God, how did I ever get here? And how
the hell do I get out?

Breakin’ Down

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