Page 173 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Twenty-Nine

own personal Haverland spotlight on the ‘that’s my daughter’
bandwagon. I’m actually happy to remove his credit. He’s still a
self-centred ogre and I still fear him.
Sadly, my song writing isn’t too revealing or personal. “Too
Hot to Handle” is playful, fun and a little sexy. I am still finding
ways to hide behind my music and now I can hide behind my
new pink lady persona as well. I can’t expose any of my true
emotions so I mostly write about other people or I make things
up. Quite honestly, I live in fear of being found out.
My marriage to Hudson is increasingly unstable and with
my newfound success he’s grown even more overbearing,
controlling and insecure. For years he has accused me of being
unfaithful and I can honestly say I have been a “good” wife. But
now, as I desperately long yet again for true love and affection,
I am beginning to look elsewhere. Even if it is sometimes
through a haze of Grand Marnier and marijuana.
Perhaps “Too Hot to Handle” is closer to reflecting real
life than I can admit? The little farm girl has grown up and
I’ve finally become a woman. There are many desires not being
fulfilled within my unhealthy marriage. My heart and soul feel
beaten and my spirit shattered. The more abuse I take the more
I withdraw into my own little world. It’s virtually impossible to
be intimate with the person who constantly hurts me. And so,
as my love for Hudson dissipates, it becomes so much easier to
give myself sexually to someone else. What I am longing for in
return is simple – gentleness, kindness and acceptance.
It would appear my attraction is to older men. Some much
older. That little girl in me may have become a woman but she
is still searching desperately for unconditional love.
The kind she remembers from her daddy.

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