Page 283 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Forty-Five

Over the next few days, I stagger like a tiny sparrow with a
broken wing, not sure I will ever fly again. I am too wounded
and weak to move. The emotional and physical turmoil entwine
and wrap around me like a python. This is unlike any heartache
I have ever known. My body is wracked with such a heaviness
I can barely pull myself out of bed in the morning. Keldon
becomes my only purpose.
I have come to realize that for us to move forward, I have
to trust that Gord is telling me the truth. I must believe there is
nothing romantic between him and Lenora. I convince myself
that what I saw absolutely cannot be and that I have manifested
the whole deranged vision in my own mind. Call me paranoid
or even delusional. Perhaps spending those two long weeks
alone without much adult company did make me a little crazy.
Still, nothing can eradicate Gord’s poisonous words of
rejection and the assault on our relationship and our family.
No, none of that can be denied. Some days I feel like my
heart is dying, slowly bleeding to death. Life, draining out of
me, drop by drop. I wish my mother was still here. I long to
lay my head down on her lap and feel her strong yet gentle
hand stroke my hair and rub my back. I need her to soothe
my worried mind with tender words like, “You’ll get through
this, Honey” and “I’m always here for you, you know that.” I
crave her warm motherly kisses and gentle hugs. I need her
unwavering strength to pick me off the floor and prop me up.
I need her love which is so connected to my heart my pain
becomes hers.
What I want more than anything is for someone to
acknowledge this excruciating agony. Funny how the absence
of my mother has left me gasping for breath, even after so many
years. The deep loss continues to impact my life profoundly,
especially at this impossible time.

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