Page 59 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Nine

I imagine him sitting at his desk doing paperwork. I keep
looking for him out in the pasture with the cattle. I look for
him in town or laughing with neighbours or pushing Vian on
the swing set he built for us.
Everything reminds me of my daddy.
It’s been hard moving back and facing all our friends and
teachers. We know what everyone is thinking, yet no one says
a word. But really, we’re all just hiding. We can see everyone
and they can all see us but it feels like there’s an invisible wall
in the way. It’s just not the same. Now it feels like them and
us.
Ever since Daddy died, Vian and I keep this small lamp
on all night long. We’re even more afraid to sleep in the dark
now. Because I know that as soon as I close my eyes, I will
see the same horrible pictures I see every night. I will recall
all our visits with Daddy after the great escape. They were
always hard for me. I was nervous and scared. The truth is, I
never really wanted to go. I was always afraid of what Daddy
might do when we were alone with him. I made sure I knew
where he was pretty much every minute. I just had to. I felt so
responsible, not only for Vian but for Daddy too.
Even though there was always a hint of sadness in him,
Daddy seemed so happy to see us and have us back home. I
don’t think he noticed my anxiety, but it was there until he
drove us back to Calgary. As soon as we came over the hill
and saw the lights of the city, I felt like I could breathe again.
The tension in my head disappeared and my stomach settled.
Sometimes I feel like I let him down. And now, I can
never make that up to him.
I still have so many questions. Why didn’t anyone help
save Daddy? Why did he have to kill himself? And why
the way he did? Wasn’t our love strong enough to keep him

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