Page 27 - 280818

Rabbi Chayim Friedlander
A Peaceful Home
ntroroctcon
careful to constantly strive to give each other a sense of pleasure just
as you feel now at this moment. However, understand this clearly
that the moment you begin making demands of each other, that
is the starting point of diminishing the happiness in your marriage
relationship.”
The change is dramatic. A young man in yeshiva lives essentially
only for himself and has not experienced in any significant way the
responsibilities of caring for someone else. Now he must change
his direction and care for his wife; both her physical needs and her
spiritual needs. This change requires him to pay close attention to
improving his character traits, mainly to emerge from the circle of
egoism - caring only about himself - and acquire for himself the
character trait of Chessed, which is caring-worrying about someone
besides himself. Each self-improvement in character development
is another step in the improvement of the relationship of married
life and in building a family with Hashem’s help. The road is long,
and regarding this Chazal have said (Pirkei Avot 2:15-16) “There is
much work to be done and you are not exempt from it.”
This essay is a collection of the lectures that with the help of Hashem
I delivered to Chatanim. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe ZT”L preceded me
in his excellent Kuntres entitled “Essays of instruction to Chatanim”
which I’ve used in preparing this essay. The letter on this topic
written by our teacher the Gaon Chazon Ish ZT”L which appears
further on in this Kuntres is copied from Rabbi Wolbe’s Kuntres.
Although nowadays, thank G-d, we are concerned about directing
the Kallah in her marital responsibilities in building a family,
that is not the subject of this essay. (This essay is an emphatic
instruction to the Chatan in his responsibility towards his wife).
Further on at the beginning of the fourth chapter we will develop
the idea that the fulfillment of the mutual responsibilities of the
Chatan and Kallah are not dependent one on the other (meaning, if
one’s wife doesn’t fulfill her obligations to her husband that does
not exempt him from fulfilling his obligations to her), rather each
partner must strive to perfect their behavior within this relationship
as part of a desire for perfection in their service to Hashem Yitbarach.
27
רדנלדירפ םייח ברה
ךלהא םולש יכ תעדיו סרטנוק
A brief look at the Kuntres
The goal of this Kuntres “A Peaceful Home” is Shalom Bayit, a
Torah-home built on a bonded husband-wife loving relationship
that lasts a lifetime. Rabbi Friedlander writes that the impetus
for his essay is the generation’s drive for self-gratification and an
impatient tendency to default to quick and easy solutions without the
willingness to work through problems, and compromise or concede
to the other side for the sake of their home. The essay is specifically
directed at the Chatan in a series of lessons guiding him into his new
responsibilities and obligations to his wife, in understanding her
needs and sensitivities, and to know that the woman he married is her
own person, a life’s partner who was brought to him by Hashem and
comes with her own unique strengths and talents complimenting his
own strengths and talents as his companion helpmate throughout
life. Quoting Rabbi Friedlander – “Dear Chatan, do not be afraid,
the job of a young Chatan is not so hard, it just takes a good attitude
and some attention to acquire the skills to better understand what
your role is in the home.” Citing the Chazon Ish, he writes that
a husband’s job throughout life and particularly in their first year
of marriage is to make his wife happy, supporting her physical
and emotional needs as he sets the direction of the family and the
atmosphere of the home. The lessons of this Kuntres are equally
appropriate to couples who are married for many years, guiding
the husband in ways to enhance the tranquility of their home and
promote a more loving relationship with his wife.
With the permission of the Friedlander family we attached some
guiding words to Chatanim which appear at the conclusion of the
Kuntres written by Rabbi Eliezer Ginsburg quoting Rav Shach.
6 # 2808