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In order to find some support for this point of view, this magazine sent an
undercover reporter into the strife-ridden town of Physlab, capital of Twelve
bee. His exclusive report was, unfortunately, burnt by the Minister of Health at
the eternal gas flame of Physlab (the custodianship of which is shared jointly
between Mr. Baumanis and Mr. Huckfeldt, Minister for the Inferior). Not to
be daunted, this magazine sent in another reporter, who successfully completed
his assignment and safely made his way back to civilisation. Here then is his
report.
“Today in Physlab, once the most interesting centre in Twelvebee, an air
of gloom and dullness settled, destroying all the life and happiness Twelve-
beelians once had. Not a happy face is to be seen in Physlab. Martial law has
been declared: however the army, led by General David Bromet, is having
trouble controlling the crowds with their wooden rifles. Major David Blacklock
was overheard yesterday saying. ‘Yes, these duggers are much more greatly
better than the duggers of me Dad’s day.’ The Twelvebee duggers are said to
be having severe problems with camouflage. After all, how could one hide in
the brown bricks of Physlab clad in jungle green ? Another member of the
Armed Forces and also President of the only existing organisation in Twelvebee,
Mr. T. Tickle, was today inspecting new concrete fortifications in the immediate
vicinity of Physlab. A great deal of effort was expended in the construction
of these fortifications; however, the designers have overlooked several important
aspects: Firstly, the construction is extremely uncomfortable for anyone to
man; secondly, the siting of structure makes it vulnerable to aerial attack; and
lastly, who wants to sit anyway?”
At this point our correspondent was cut off. Later reports have indicated
that he suffered the most severe punishment imposed in Twelvebee — head
shaving. This punishment is reserved only for the most severe crimes against the
state. Apparently Twelvebee is at the moment in the grips of a crime wave.
Upon his return to us, our bald reporter collapsed and is still in a coma.
Documents in his briefcase have indicated that conditions are deteriorating in
Twelvebee. Disease is rife amongst the peasants. Already two, D. Gordon and
G. Ingram, have been quarantined in an effort to save the population.
Yes, things are bad in Twelvebee, but it could be worse. Citizens should,
in fact, consider themselves lucky. Twelvebeelians are rescued from the dangers
of mixing with members of the opposite you-know-what (used only in low

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