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SCIENCE CORNER - -
Our scientific department has just made available the results of a
research project in which some startling facts have been brought to light.
in our opinion, every thinking person should read these results and draw
his own conclusions.

THE SCOURGE OF THE TOMATO - -
92.4% of juvenile delinquents have eaten tomatoes.
87.5% of all adult criminals have eaten tomatoes.
89.1% of all people killed in car accidents last year had eaten tomatoes.
Those who scorn cold statistics may require further proof.
Of those born prior to the year 1800. and known to have eaten tomatoes,
there has been no less than 100% mortality, repeat, 100% mortality.
In spite of the ravages stemming from this dread addiction, a few
tomato eaters born in the period 1800-1850 still manage to survive. However
from a medical point of view their capabilities are poor. Brittleness of
bone structure, feebleness of movement, hearing and eyesight deficiencies—
all are features in such a person.
Exhaustive experiments, carried out over a number of years, indicate
that the subjects’ craving will turn to substitutes—steak, oranges, beer—if
tomatoes are withheld. If tomatoes and all substitutes are simultaneously
withheld—death invariably results after a short period.
But to those sceptics who continue to refute these facts, we invite you
to carry out this simple experiment.
Obtain two dozen tomatoes. (They may actually be purchased, or
even be found growing in the backyard.) Crush them to a pulp, in the state
they would have entered the stomach, pour the extracted pulp and juice
into a bowl, and place a goldfish therein. Within minutes the fish will be
dead. Those who argue that the goldfish does not simulate the human
metabolism may wish to conduct a direct experiment by fully immersing
a human head for 5 minutes. (Those of teachers have been proved to
provide the best experimental results.)

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR - -
Dear Sir,
Could it be that Jack Brabham has returned to Australia in disguise ?
On watching a low slung citrus coloured Minx which frequents the school
area. I am convinced that he has. That racing gear change and superbly
controlled four wheel drift through the main gate is reminiscent of the
old masters.
I would appreciate it if you would investigate this on my behalf. (Sgd.) Girling Floss.
Dear Sir,
As a part time inventor. I feel that my latest effort would be of value
to several of your students, a Sixth Former in particular. With the pre
dominance of longer hair styles this year taken into account, I am offering
to these individuals a free test of my “Wunda Cutta”, developed from a very
successful sheep shearing machine, (patent app.), in helmet form.
When the overlong hair touches a delicately balanced lever, the
apparatus is set into action. On the inside of the helmet, which completely
covers the head, a rotary-cut blade appears, powered by the mental emana
tions of the wearer (IN SOME CASES THIS MUST BE ASSISTED BY
A 125 c.c. DIESEL ENGINE SUPPLIED FREE OF CHARGE). While the
actual cutting is going on a midget transistor radiogram plays selected
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