Page 168 - wir60

PRESENTING SHAKESPEARE’S LATEST TRAGEDY IN TWO ACTS

MARRIAGE - -
ACT I. Scene I. — THE DANCE.
Enter Alphonsus Dogsbody and Citronella Fosdick.
Citronella: ’Urry up, Phonsie, or we’ll be late for the ’op.
Alphonsus: I’m coinin’! I know a shortcut! It’s through an allotment what
they’re buildin’ a blocka flats on.
Citronella: Is this it? It’s sorta dark.
Alphonsus: Sure! Come on.
(Crash! Bang! Clatter! Bang! Clatter! Crash!)
Citronella: (Hysterically) Phonsie! What’s ’appened? What are yer doing
in that cement mixer thing?
Alpihonsus: Can I ’elp it if they stick a dirty old cement mixer in the way?
Well, let’s get on to the dance.
(Later at the dance.)
Citronella: Phonsie, yer standing on me foot!
Alpihonsus: What? I can’t feel nuthin’!
Citronella: Yer on me foot! Strike a light! Yer ’oofs covered in cement!
Alphonsus: Strewth! It musta been quick dryin’ cement!
(End Scene I.)
ACT II. Scene I. — ON HONEYMOON.
Enter the two “Just Marrieds”. They have just got up after a night’s
sleep. Alphonsus is making a CUP of tea.
Alphonsus: Where’s the tea, Nellie?
Citronella: In the jar marked biscuits.
Alphonsus: What’s it doin’ there?
Citronella: Well, tea makes me think of afternoon tea, which makes me
think of food, which makes me think of biscuits! So I put the tea in
the biscuit jar. Simple, ain’t it?
Alplionsus: Clear as mud! Here’s ya tea! Where’s me razor?
Citronella: In the bathroom behind the mirror!
(A short while later) . . .
Alphonsus: Nellie, me ziff’s worse than it was before!
Citronella: Ya ain’t got no razor blade in yer razor!
Alphonsus: So that’s what them things is for!
(Two weeks later, still on honeymoon.)
Alphonsus: Where’s me chow?
Citronella: Here it is. fish face!
Alphonsus: What? Beans again? We’ve ’ad beans for the past week for
every damn meal.
Citronella: Can I 'elp it if me old man’s a bean manufacturer?
(End Scene I.)
Scene II. — THE DIVORCE.
Enter Judge, unloving lovers, and various.
Judge: Silence in the court! Okay! You, (pointing to Citronella), what’s
your case?
Citronella: I wanna divorce this slob ’cos he’s been ’iring Jayne Mansfield
ta do the ’Ousework, and (sniff) he sits at ’ome an’ watches ’er all
Bk day (sniff) !
Judge: Divorce granted! (To Alphonsus) Wot’s Jayne Mansfield’s phone
number, mate?
(End Scene II.)
Scene III. — THE PARTING.
Enter Alphonsus and Citronella outside the Court.
Citronella: I never wanna see yer ’orrible dial again!
87