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52 EASTERN HORIZON | FEATURES

When I found myself a 34-year-
old widow with a 13-month-old,
three-year-old, and a six-year-old,
I became gutted by my despair. I
didn’t have the tools to deal with the
magnitude of that kind of suffering.
For the first time, I realized I needed
something, but I didn’t know what.

Once my husband was gone, I was
tasked with taking the children
to dharma school on Sundays,
fulfilling an obligation to him in the
agreement we made about how to
raise our kids. That is when I began
back when my life was “normal” city that I have visited numerous to attend service on a regular basis
and there was no urgency for life’s times. I tried to be a Catholic. — as the children’s chauffer. week
greatest answers, but now I was Somebody even made me their after week, a baby strapped to my
drowning in my agony and looking child’s godmother. I just could back, squeezing across pews while
for a flotation device. I drew a star never shake the feeling that it the sangha chanted, because it was
next to the line: “If there are things was trying to control me rather such a struggle to get everyone out
that are causing you to suffer, you than lead me to my liberation. the door on time and we were late
have to know how to let go of them. Consequently, I became suspicious again. My heart pounding, beads
Happiness can be attained by letting of all organized religion. of sweat on my brow, wrangling
go, including letting go of your ideas squirrelly children, feeling like a
Years later, I was hired as a teacher
about happiness.” It seemed easier failure at everything. But we showed
at a new school. I be friended the
said than done. up. And I did a lot of listening.
teacher in the classroom next
Accidental listening at first.
I think about that previous version of door to mine, who happened to be
myself, desperate to find the antidote Japanese and Shin Buddhist. First Turns out, even though I had no
to her suffering. She would have I fell in love with him, and after he intention of partaking in Buddhism,
never in a million years believed that died, I fell in love with his Buddhism. it is extremely appealing to someone
she could be happy again. emotionally bleeding to death. The
It was easy to agree with the
words resonated deeply. It was like
But here I am. Possibly even ideas of Buddhism on paper. You
they were written just for me.
happier than before. I feel eternally could say I was even an armchair
grateful to Buddhism for giving me Buddhist before my husband I didn’t understand everything.
the dharma to light my path moving passed away. I read a lot of books. There were many questions at first.
forward. It is what keeps me focused We sent our children to dharma But I knew how it made me feel.
through the good and the bad and school. But, I often let him take the Going to service on Sundays, being
the ups and downs, helping me make children on Sundays while I stayed surrounded by the sangha, smelling
the most out of my life. home with the baby. I didn’t think the incense, hearing the chanting,
I needed anything formal. I was and listening to the Dharma talks
I’m half-Palestinian, half-German
so jaded that I refused to chant or — it all gave me a profound sense of
woman who was baptized Melkite
bow whenever I attended service. I comfort. It felt centering. A refuge,
Catholic. My grandmother was born
liked Buddhism, but I wasn’t going if even from myself and the chaos in
in Nazareth — a very religious, holy
to call myself a Buddhist. my head for that one hour a week.