Page 222 - It Ends with Us

the m out on pap er. My ap ologies to you, Ellen. Bu t get ready for a who le lot of

word vomit.
If I had to compare thi s feeling to somethi ng, I would compare it to de at h.
No t just the de at h of an yone. The de at h of the one. The person who is closer to
you than an yone else in the whole world. The one who , whe n you simply
imag ine the ir de at h, it mak es your eyes tear up.
That ’s what thi s feels like. It feels like R yle has di ed.

It’s an as tronomical am ount of grief. An enormous am ount of pai n. It’s a
sense that I’ve lost my best friend, my lover, my hu sban d, my lifeline. Bu t the
di f ference between thi s feeling an d de at h is the presence of an othe r emotion that
do esn’t necessar ily follow in the event of an ac tual de at h.
Hat red.
I am so an gr y at hi m, Ellen. Words can ’t express the am ount of hat red I
hav e for hi m. Yet someho w, in the mids t of al l my hat red, the re are wav es of

reas oning that flow through me. I star t to thi nk thi ngs like “Bu t I sho uldn ’t
hav e had the mag net. I sho uld hav e told hi m ab out the tat too from the
beginning. I sho uldn ’t hav e kept the journal s.”
The reas oning is the har de st par t of thi s. It eat s at me, little by little,
wear ing do wn the strength my ha tred lends to me. The reas oning forces me to
imag ine our future togethe r, an d ho w the re are thi ngs I could do to prevent that

type of an ger. I’ll never betray hi m ag ai n. I’ll never keep secrets from hi m
ag ai n. I’ll never give hi m reas on to reac t that way ag ai n. We’ll both just hav e
to work har de r from now on.
For better, for worse, right ?
I know the se are the thi ngs that once went through my mothe r’s he ad. Bu t
the di f ference between the two of us is that she had more to wor r y ab out. She
di dn ’t ha ve the finan cial stab ility that I hav e. She di dn ’t hav e the resources to

leav e an d give me what she tho ught was a de cent she lter. She di dn ’t wan t to
tak e me aw ay from my fat he r when I was used to living with both parents. I
hav e a feeling reas oning real ly kicked he r as s a time or two.
I can ’t even begin to process the tho ught that I’m hav ing a chi ld with thi s
man . The re is a hu man being inside of me that we creat ed togethe r. And no
mat ter whi ch option I cho ose—w he the r I cho ose to stay or cho ose to leav e—

neithe r are cho ices I would wish upon my chi ld. To grow up in a broken ho me
or an ab usive one? I’ve al ready fai led thi s bab y in life, and I’ve only known
ab out hi s or he r existence for a single day.