Page 223 - It Ends with Us

Ellen, I wish you could write bac k to me. I wish that you could say

somethi ng funny to me right now, becau se my he ar t needs it. I hav e never felt
thi s al one. Thi s broken. Thi s an gr y. Thi s hu r t.
People on the outside of situat ions like the se often wonde r why the woman
goes bac k to the ab user. I read somewhe re once that 85 percent of women return
to abusive situat ions. That was before I real ized I was in one, an d whe n I
he ard that stat istic, I tho ught it was becau se the women were stupid. I tho ught

it was becau se they were weak . I tho ught the se thi ngs ab out my own mothe r
more than once.
Bu t sometimes the reas on women go bac k is simply becau se the y’re in love. I
love my hu sban d, Ellen. I love so man y thi ngs ab out hi m. I wish cutting my
feelings of f for the person who hu r t me was as eas y as I used to thi nk it would
be. Preventing your he ar t from forgiving someone you love is ac tual ly a he ll of
a lot har de r than simply forgiving the m.

I’m a stat istic now. The thi ngs I’ve tho ught ab out women like me are now
what othe rs would thi nk of me if the y knew my cur rent situat ion.
“How could she love hi m af ter what he di d to he r? How could she
contemplat e tak ing hi m bac k?”
It’s sad that tho se are the first tho ught s that run through our minds whe n
someone is ab used. Sho uldn ’t the re be more di stas te in our mouths for the

ab users than for tho se who continue to love the ab users?
I thi nk of al l the people who hav e been in thi s situat ion before me. Ever yone
who will be in thi s situat ion af ter me. Do we al l repeat the sam e words in our
he ads in the day s af ter experiencing ab use at the han ds of tho se who love us?
“From this day for ward, for better, for worse, for riche r, for poorer, in sickness
an d he al th, until de at h do us par t.”
May be those vows weren’t mean t to be tak en as literal ly as some spouses tak e

the m.
For better, for worse?
Fuck.
That .
Shi t.
—Li ly