Page 410 - Deception at work all chapters EBook

Golf and the Cunning Plan 411

Introduce an ogre

Think about paying for a very elderly caddie who looks as though he is just about to pop his
clogs; most courses have one or two hanging around. You can normally find them sleeping in
cardboard boxes under the bushes or resting in the warmth of a pile of grass cuttings or ma-
nure. You can then blame the geriatric caddy for your slow play and the malodorous smells.

In serious exchanges appoint an ogre, so that you can stay neutral

Relentlessly professional

If your opponent is a boring left hemisphere type, plan to flood him with verbals: tell him
jokes and show him photographs of all your grandchildren, explaining their measles, vaccina-
tions or bowel movements in microscopic3 detail and do so at every opportunity. Better still,
plan to talk about prostate operations and show him your scars. Rabbit on about gout or some
sickening medical condition; go on and on about it and keep his mind off the game.

To increase anxiety you must keep up the pressure

Other ploys

If you know your opponent is umbilically connected to his mobile telephone, get the number
and brief a colleague to telephone him every five minutes during your match, but to hang up
before he has time to respond. If you want to be really sly, find out the area in which his mis-
tress (or one of them) lives, and get your colleague to dial from a call box with the same area
code. If this does not worry him, nothing else will, but as always, there are exceptions

GOLFERS ARE FUNNY bush and an extended pee – both things
happening at the same time – the lawyer
In a very important four ball match on returned. ‘I am sorry about that,’ he said,
New Year’s Day, an elderly investigator ‘last night, l left my wife of 30 years and ran
was playing with a senior lawyer who off with my girlfriend. She is playing in the
throughout the first nine holes appeared ladies’ competition at Wentworth today and
a bit out of breath and flushed. At the I just wanted to make sure she is okay with
tenth tee the lawyer said: ‘Excuse me, old her new putter.’
chap, but I have to make a quick call to
my girlfriend.’ After an animated mobile
telephone conversation from behind a

Try to find out what is happening in the opponent’s business life and especially any prob-
lems he has.

For example, if you know that his company has just been raided by the Information Com-
missioner, plan to mention her or his name when he is facing a difficult downhill putt. ‘Oh,
by the way, Stan, did I hear you are going to jail?’ The putting green is the one exception to
the ‘no verbals’ rule.

Plan how you will raise the pavement and increase anxiety

3 It would be taking it too far to show him a sample