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Principles of Interpersonal Conflict 159

about interpersonal and small group conflict, which were probably
shaped by the communications you witnessed in your family and in
your social interactions. For example, do you think the following
statements are true or false?
● Conflict is best avoided. Time will solve the problem; it will all
blow over.
● If two people experience relationship conflict, it means their rela-
tionship is in trouble.
● Conflict damages an interpersonal relationship.
● Conflict is destructive because it reveals our negative selves—
our pettiness, our need to be in control, our unreasonable
expectations.
● In any conflict, there has to be a winner and a loser. Because goals
are incompatible, someone has to win and someone has to lose.
“I can’t remember what we’re arguing about, either.
● These are myths and, as we’ll see in this chapter, they can interfere Let’s keep yelling, and maybe it will come back to us.”
with your ability to deal with conflict effectively.
© David Sipress/Condé Nast Publications/www.cartoonbank.com.

Objectives self-Check
● Can you define interpersonal conflict?
● Can you identify the major conflict issues and the popular myths about conflict?

Principles of Interpersonal Conflict

You can increase your understanding of interpersonal conflict by looking at some general
principles: (1) conflict can be positive or negative, (2) conflict is influenced by culture and
gender, and (3) conflict styles have consequences.

COnfliCt Can be negative Or pOsitive
Although interpersonal conflict is always stressful, it’s important to recognize that it has both
negative and positive aspects.

negative aspects Conflict often leads to increased negative regard for the opponent.
One reason for this is that many conflicts involve unfair fighting methods (which we’ll exam-
ine shortly) and are focused largely on hurting the other person. When one person hurts the
other, increased negative feelings are inevitable; even the strongest relationship has limits.
At times, conflict may lead you to close yourself off from the other person. When you
hide your true self from an intimate, you prevent meaningful communication from taking
place. Because the need for intimacy is so strong, one or both parties may then seek intimacy
elsewhere. This often leads to further conflict, mutual hurt, and resentment—qualities that
add heavily to the costs carried by the relationship. Meanwhile, rewards may become difficult
to exchange. In this situation, the overall costs increase and the rewards decrease, which often
leads to relationship deterioration and eventual dissolution.

positive aspects The major value of interpersonal conflict is that it forces you to
examine a problem and work toward a potential solution. If both you and your opponent
use productive conflict strategies (which will be described in this chapter), the relationship
may well emerge from the encounter stronger, healthier, and more satisfying than before.
And you may emerge stronger, more confident, and better able to stand up for yourself
(Bedford, 1996).