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Stage 2: Romantic Love

Love relationships usually begin with a strong physical and emotional attraction that produces a
somewhat altered state of consciousness. Your brain is saturated with chemicals called endor-
phins, creating the sensations of intense pleasure that accompany infatuation. The exhilaration
and sense of well-being are similar to feelings produced by vigorous exercise or eating
something extremely pleasurable, like chocolate.

In this highly charged emotional state, you are likely to project images, expectations and ideals
of the perfect mate onto your partner. These projections often have little to do with who your
partner really is, but it's hard to tell because both of you are on your best behaviour. Over-
whelmed with romance and passion, you are highly responsive to each other.

If all goes well, attraction turns into romance. Everything about them is intensified, while
everything about school, family, job, exercise, and so on seems dull in comparison. Romantic
love is a psychological and spiritual experience, but to be in love is to understand that we are
also products of our biology.

Much has been written in both fiction and non-fiction about falling in love, and about the
chemistry of falling in love. The ebb and flow of romantic love should not be misconstrued as a
signal that you are in the wrong relationship. Romantic love is not mature love Eye gazing,
obsessing, daydreaming, and physical desire will change over time into something else. "What it
ultimately changes into is up to the two of you, but as an immediate next step what it changes
into is the power struggle.

Stage 3: Power Struggle

Infatuation and romantic love eventually subside and healthy relationships go through a period
of power struggles as each partner tries to shape the other into the ideal mate. Many couples
argue and fight their way through this. Some will avoid sensitive areas of conflict. If neither of you
is ready to risk confrontation, your lives are likely to become more and more separate and
devoid of intimacy and sharing. Even though you avoid open conflict, by agreeing at some
level not to argue and fight, the tension and pain remain.

Some couples use guilt, blame, emotional manipulation and justification to try to control each
other in an effort to recapture feelings from the earlier stages of the relationship. Both long for
that period of infatuation when being together was fresh and exciting. Remember that it’s
normal to pass through romantic love and to experience conflict. It is simply the relationship
growing.

Confrontation is healthy. It builds understanding and helps your relationship mature. The
challenge is to discover what can be changed in the relationship and what must be accepted.

The sooner you bring up issues when you feel hurt, taken advantage of, irritated, misunderstood,
or ignored, the better for the relationship. Suppressing them keeps you a victim and only leads
to hostility and feelings of separateness.