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Types of Denial

Denial through Wishful Thinking There are those of us who even deny being in denial! We argue
that we aren’t in denial we’re just very positive people who like to hope for the best in every
situation. We apply magical thinking, believing that somehow, as if by magic, everything will turn
out fine. This sort of denial often displays other symptoms, replacing confrontation with patience,
compassion, concern, support and kindness. These are all admirable qualities to be sure, but
when we use them as a form of denial, compassion can turn into co-dependence, patience
becomes stagnation, concern manifests itself as enabling and support snowballs into sacrificing.
We will do everything to avoid confrontation, pain and unpleasantness, without realising we are
compromising our true happiness in the process.

Denial through hostility Then there is the denial that is accompanied by hostility and anger.
When confronted with the truth of our unhappiness, there are those of us that respond with
anger, furious with the truth of our situation, resisting it at all costs. We show hostility, belligerence
and outrage. We even threaten to punish those who would deliver the truth, as if our anger will
scare the messenger off and make the truth go away.

Hostile denial blinds us to our truths that are trying so hard to reveal themselves to us. It keeps us
blind to the true love, support and kindness of others, blind to the truths that are hidden within
our hearts. Hostile denial creates angry people who hide their vulnerability and inadequacy
from others. These people become angry at anyone that finds a way through to make them
feel the pain of their vulnerability, which they have probably spent their whole lives mistakenly
protecting.

Absolute Denial Finally there are those of us, perhaps through pride, arrogance or stubbornness,
who despite all the evidence to the contrary, adamantly refuse to acknowledge our truths. Let
us assume it is the lesser, pride that is causing the problem.

Over a period of time, we may have built up a career, a family and a home that is the envy of
the outside world. Hidden behind the mask of happiness we wear, may be the truth of a failing
relationship, a dysfunctional family or crumbling finances. We may have had failed relationships
in the past and hoped that this one was going to be different, but perhaps on examination, we
had entered into, or remained in the relationship for the wrong reasons. We may have then
distracted ourselves from the underlying unhappiness of the relationship by replacing missing
elements with overspending on material things, believing they will restore our happiness. We
may have overstretched our financial purse in pursuit of the latest gadgets or home
improvements as a distraction from the problems that exist within the relationship.

All forms of denial share one important factor in common. Somewhere, deep down inside of us,
when we use denial as a strategy, we are hiding from the truth of ourselves, that some part of us
doesn’t feel worthy or approved of. There is an expression that says “nature abhors a vacuum”.
We instinctively fill what we perceive to be gaps in our lives, (which in many cases are
misconceived through the filter of our out-dated or irrational beliefs), with material acquisitions,
time filling activity, unhealthy addictions, even having more children, rather than face painful
truths that “the something missing” might be nearer to home than the shelves of our local fancy
goods store. Only when we conduct the exercise of digging deep, will we discover what, if
anything is actually missing and prepare ourselves for the real work to be done to restore
happiness to our lives.

Gradually, over a period of months and years, without necessarily realising it was happening,
and for our own reasons, we created what we thought were protective layers of denial for
ourselves.