Page 100 - The Freckled Eye - Book

Chapter 14 A Cup Runith Over

Hearing for the first time you could potential die is a feeling like no other I’ve
ever had. It’s humbling and life changing. Then to suddenly realize you are
not exempt from something like this is earth shaking. It makes you realize,
how quickly life can change and possibly be over. I needed stability. This
was the biggest event in my life. Nothing came close in comparison and I was
desperately searching and needing a rock to hold on to. I wanted it in my
living space and in my relationships. I was desperate to keep what pieces I
could, stable, for my own sanity. Because I knew that one more thing would
break me and I wouldn’t be able to come back. I didn’t care if my needs were
crazy or irrational. I was fighting for my life. I was doing what I had to
survive. I was at breaking point every moment and I realized that today… I
am fragile.

For me, being in Tahoe was important to me for several reasons. At first, I
wanted to find myself. I wanted a place I felt truly safe, quiet and
comfortable. I wanted a place that was in nature and full of beauty. Then I
needed this place to save me. After the diagnosis, I knew I was going to have
stressful days, trying to deal with all of it. I needed somewhere to be a
constant reminder of the good and happiness in my life. I knew for me, Tahoe
was the place that would give this to me. I wanted a place where I didn’t have
to comprise and I could do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. If I wanted
to be alone, not deal with others, I wanted that without explanation. I didn’t
want anyone in my space that I didn’t want. I didn’t want to have to do or say
anything I didn’t want to or explain my position on any matter. I just wanted to
be quiet. It was the first time in my life, that I can remember, being totally
selfish. I was trying to save myself. I needed time to process my life change
and then I needed time to process this rare cancer.

Today was the day that they say, the cupith runith over. I felt overwhelmed
with emotion. No matter how much positive thinking I’d tried to do, it didn’t
stop the internal stress from building up. I realized today, how much stress
had been building up from the failed attempts to place the plaque and this
whole crazy experience in itself.

I started feeling like the one place I could feel truly safe, was becoming
unstable and that made me fearful for my life. Today, my stress and fear took
over. I didn’t have a chance. I’m only human…