Page 101 - The Freckled Eye - Book

Jay and I got in a huge fight. I won’t bore you with the specific deals, except to
say, I felt like my safety net was falling apart. The one place I felt I could be
safe and stable, was in jeopardy. He and I fought about it because he didn’t
understand. How could he. I was so angry for so many reasons. He felt I
was over reacting to a certain situation, which made matters worse. I didn’t
know how to articulate all my true feelings. It was getting lost on different
issues, because I too didn’t understand the depth of my fear.

After we fought, I went upstairs to think about it for a while. I then decided to
write him a letter, with the hopes he’d somehow understand where I was
coming from.

LETTER TO JAY

(Some of this letter won’t make sense, but you’ll get the idea.)

Jay, I miss you too. Thank you for the apology, I truly appreciate it. I don't
want us to be in an unhappy place. I just want you to understand where I'm
coming from. I know we've talked about these type of things a million times in
the past. So, I can’t afford to debate whether your hiding or not hiding what
you’re doing or any other reasoning’s behind it.

I'm asking you, pleading with you, because I know that you love me, if you
could CLEARLY and OPENLY communicate with me, not setup expectation
that don't come to fruition or go missing in action and leave me hanging. It's
crucial for me, with this eye cancer, for me not to be crying, sad, scared or
insecure or disappeared on. It's a scary time right now and I physically can't
handle being left hanging.

I am aware we have two entirely separate views on this subject, but I'm
hoping that you can find it in your heart to work with me on this. I'd really
appreciate it. Everything in my world is the fear of the unknown and is in the
gray area.

Whether I express this to you or not, this unfortunately is me today. I have
eye cancer... Is it the good kind or the bad kind, I don't know? Will I be able
to drive, snowboard, will I have balancing issues, will anything be normal, will I
feel sick, will I have no eye lashes from the radiation, will I have headaches,
will this work, or will I die within 5 years...