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memorial, a baseball that I labeled “Dodgers 2017” and – a subjective viewpoint when you are struggling with the
of course – a shot of Fireball. discord of your own personal beliefs and those of the
In JR’s card I wrote: family. JR gave me some insight on the different views
of medicine and the views of family. But it wasn’t until I
As I promised I supported the Dodgers 100% this started doing palliative care, that I really felt a paradigm
year (even when they took out the Cubs in the NLCS). shift. My perspectives on my patients now go beyond the
Unfortunately, as with life, there was no fairytale ending. bedside. There are still some situations I come across and
But like you, the Dodgers put up one hell of a fight. An struggle with deeply, but I have learned I can accept the
amazing series. You may never understand the impact you wishes of families if they have a well-informed decision.
made on my life, not just as a nurse. But I will spend the Families have been with my patients for far longer than my
rest of my career honoring the foundation we have laid. few days in the CCU. I have little connection with them,
For the finder of my memorial: besides the care I give. With little emotional connection,
it’s easy to say this is what I would do and move on. But to
Although the impact JR has had on my life is unknown,
expect families to feel the same is unfair and emotionally
my hope is, this memorial will stay alive each time this ball
insensitive.
is put into play. Every nurse has that one patient, JR was
mine. As Dr. Byock says, it feels like you’re “winning a lottery
ticket from hell” when you have to have raw discussions
A good friend of mine, who has encouraged and helped
with nearly complete strangers. Although these discussions
feed my love for baseball, has supported and shared my
are often uncomfortable for many, they provide more value
journey with me. He told me the devils themselves, Brent
than what is seen on the surface. Families are suffering
Strom and Ralph Dickenson, were coming to Anchorage
from inevitable grief. By broaching the subject, the family
to coach the local kids. These were the pitching and hitting
is being given permission to express their thoughts and
coaches of the Houston Astros who beat the Dodgers in
values. They can feel confident in building a plan of care
the World Series. On the final day of the training I wanted to
with the medical team which will honor their family member.
symbolically relive the series, so I wore my Dodger jersey.
Often, you can see the relief in their body language. And
Naturally I was called out. Strom shared pictures of the
although the values of the family still may not align with
trophy and their unique celebrations. But he also told me
your own, allowing the family to voice their understanding
that the greatest Dodger of all time, Sandy Koufax, was his
and their values empowers them to trust in the care that
best friend. He went on to tell me the Dodgers are a great
is being provided.
organization, a great young team and they’ll be back next
year, and he also wished luck on my Cubbies next year. As I mentioned earlier, JR was one patient who
changed my life and the direction of my career. Our paths
For me, JR wasn’t just a patient, and baseball was no
intersected early in my profession, and although the
longer just baseball. Because of JR, my advocacy allowed
experience was one I deeply struggled with both personally
me to help many other patients, but he also helped me
and professionally, it helped me to honor and celebrate his
advance into my palliative care role I practice today. He
life but also his death. He also helped me realize I have
deepened my love, or some would say obsession, for
a deeper depth than I ever thought possible. He had a
baseball. In an effort to keep him alive I began researching
profound effect on my life, which I will likely continue to
baseball; anything and everything I could possibly think of,
honor for the rest of my life. Even though JR’s life and
I researched it.
death and the 2017 World Series had a modified fairytale
I realized recently my baseball obsession wasn’t just ending, he has been my greatest story.
about JR. In an ironic way, baseball has become cathartic
for me. Baseball is something I look forward to after a
long day; I don’t have to think about my patients or their
struggling family members. I can sit and watch a game, “A life is not important
honor my friend, and enjoy a live game of chess on the
grass. except in the impact it
has on other lives”
For many, death is the elephant in the room, which no
one wants to address. Being a part of a medical team,
we walk a fine line trying to maintain professionalism and - Jackie Robinson,
staying emotionally disconnected. When you work with
incredibly sick people all the time, it's a sad truth that Brooklyn Dodgers
your feelings become calloused, like you’re “dead from
the heart up” as Patch Adams puts it.
As a nurse you see death across a spectrum, we often
Thank you for allowing me to share my journey.
term them as good, brutal, painful, sudden or peaceful,
among others. As a bedside nurse it is difficult to gain
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