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GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

How Could This Happen?

Tragedy: Speaking and Listening to Your Children

enerally speaking, grieving mourn – and they should feel free to Many parents and educators hope
does not get better in any pre- just be themselves, and allow those their kids won’t ask these questions,
Gdictable pattern, but rather around them the space to do the which might have them grasping
follows a random series of ups and same. for answers. That is not the best
downs depending on a host of fac- approach – for an unasked question
tors. There are also distinct phases 3. How could this happen? There are is an unanswered one, and you may
of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, various hashkafic approaches to deal- not be there to answer your children’s
depression and acceptance. Once you ing with this kind of question. My questions when they have them later
know what to look for, you can almost approach is a straightforward one and in life.
watch people transition between one I find to be honest and teachable.
these phases, although not necessarily The Gemara occasionally leaves a On a practical note, please keep
in this order. question unanswered and ends with an eye and ear open to see if your
the word ּוקי ֵּ ת, which basically says we children are ready to talk about their
As the parent of a grieving child, need to wait for Eliyahu HaNavi to tragedy with you. It is important they
perhaps the most important point to resolve this. This is simply a ּוקי ֵּ ת and do so. And since the grieving cycle
understand is that one never knows is just incomprehensible. My father’s is filled with ups and downs, it is not
which of the countless facets of the death 47 years ago is still a ּוקי ֵּ ת to me, uncommon for children’s emotions
tragedy is troubling them. The only and it will probably remain so for the to flare up after being completely
way to find out is by talking less and rest of my days. dormant for days. Please do not
listening more. hesitate to reach out for professional
There will always be ּוקי ֵּ ת questions, help if you are concerned that your
Here are some of the messages I and that’s when ןֹוח ָּ ט ִּ ב (faith) needs
have imparted when speaking about to kick in. The eternal truths of the child(ren) are exhibiting worrying
tragedy, in the hope you will find at Torah give us enough confidence symptoms.
least some of this helpful in speaking in G-d’s תי ִ ט ָ ר ְּ פ ה ָ ח ָּג ְ ׁש ַ ה (Divine Provi- Finally, while this column is child-
to your children: dence) to give us the faith to take the centered, many of us adults have a

1. We are in this together. I open by plunge and accept things we do not challenging time dealing with tragedy.
giving an analogy of joining a base- understand. Since in the limited time If you find yourself unable to bounce
ball league, by explaining that join- we have in this world, and with our back, please seek professional help
ing that group means you practice limited understanding of His ways, yourself. When they do the safety
together and support each other over it is impossible for us to understand drill on airplanes, they always instruct
the entire season. You also celebrate 100% of events that happen, we must you to place the oxygen mask on
victories and get upset over losses as leave the rest to faith and accept yourself before your child, even
a group. things that are beyond our ability to though that seems quite selfish to an
understand ה ָ ב ֲ ה ַ א ְּ ב (with love). outside observer. The message is clear
2. People grieve differently. Going though. You cannot be in a position to
back to the baseball analogy, reflect Another effective analogy is that help your child if you don’t take care
on how different teammates respond ןֹוח ָּ ט ִּ ב is similar to taking medication of yourself first.
to hitting a home run, or winning or a parent hands you, even if you don’t
losing a game. Some take it in their know what it is – and even if it tastes
stride and show little emotion while terrible – because your life experience Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is an educator,
others go way over the top. Just like gives you the trust in your parents author, and child safety advocate. He
there are different ways to celebrate, to follow their guidance in areas you conducts parenting workshops in Jewish
so too, there are different ways to don’t fully understand. communities around the world.

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