Page 61 - HaMizrachi #25 Chanuka 2020 USA

GENERAL INTEREST

Dr. David S Ribner

• Self-awareness – Gradually know- assuming they are exempt from this religious, the social, the emotional
ing and understanding oneself responsibility, naively and incorrectly and the physical.
cognitively and emotionally mark assuming that this knowledge gap will • If your child refuses to talk with
various stages of maturity into be filled by school-based programs or you, try this, “It’s my job and
adulthood. Mastering this pro- premarital madrichim. When we abro- important to me that I share this
cess further grants each family gate this parental task, we risk chil- information. We don’t have to
member greater insight into the dren becoming confused and poorly discuss it now, but you need to
lives of others, their hopes, expec- educated. listen.”
tations, fears and doubts. As with emotional intimacy, we share • One final point, if the first conver-
Every family’s journey is different and here some guidelines to assist par- sation you have with your children
each journey requires adaptation to ents in discussing the physical side of about physical intimacy is when
life’s changes and challenges, with a marriage: you discover they have seen inap-
primary goal being preparing our chil- • Our sense of sexuality is much propriate Internet content, you
dren for intimate relationships. Our more than biology or physiology. have not fulfilled your parental
focus above has been on the elements It includes how we and the world responsibility.
of emotional intimacy, but we should around us see ourselves and each
feel equally tasked with preparing our other, and how we determine and This is by no means an easy task, and
children for physical intimacy as well. respond to gender roles. to the detriment of our children and
These two facets of adult, marital their development as healthy mar-
intimacy – emotional and physical – • Make sure you are both on the ital partners, few parents enter this
clearly cannot exist as separate realms same page and are clear about unnecessarily feared realm with grace
and thus both require our active guid- your own values and expectations and confidence. Perhaps the follow-
ance as parents. before talking with your kids. ing excerpt may somewhat ease these
As a general approach, we should note • In this world of unrelenting con- hesitations:
that the core values and behavioral founding media inputs, parents “There are young people who do not
expectations that guide our day-to-day must be proactive to counter know how to observe the mitzvah of
interactions have equal application in misinformation and unhealthy Onah (marital relations)… because, to
the bedroom. Making space for others messages. We are our children’s our great sorrow and distress, in our
in our lives, respecting boundaries, cultural interpreters, and if par- time the inner bonds between father
sensitivity, supporting each other’s ents are silent, children will not and son, and mother and daughter,
individuality and seeking to develop develop the values they need to have been sundered… matters of inti-
together are all qualities which make responsible decisions. macy and knowledge of the private
enhance a future couple’s intimate life • Stop talking in code or metaphors. matters that transpire between hus-
just as much as they enhance our com- Children are naturally curious band and wife… in previous genera-
munal and familial fabric. and need accurate definitions, tions were transmitted from father to
An initial issue of course is parental facts and guidance. Be aware that son and from mother to daughter with
comfort level. Well-meaning parents your language conveys values and love… (Sefer Kedushah, as quoted in
may hesitate to raise issues with their judgment. Marital Intimacy by A.P. Friedman)
children regarding physical intimacy • Parents need to define and set I am grateful to Talli Y. Rosenbaum for
due to embarrassment, anxiety about adequate, reasonable limits. Limits her editorial and content suggestions.
the response of their children (who are essential to a child’s sense
all are certain their parents know less of security, and be prepared for Dr. David S Ribner, a certified intimacy ther-
than they do), feeling uncertain in a adjustments as children mature. apist, earned his Smicha and MSW degree
rapidly changing world or simply lack- • Messages about marital intimacy from Yeshiva University and his doctorate
ing communication tools. must also include emphasis on from Columbia University. His latest book,
co-authored with Talli Rosenbaum, is “I Am
In addition, some parents may have the broader relationship con- For My Beloved: a guide to enhanced inti-
fallen into a sense of complacency, text, a context which includes the macy for married couples.”

Marriage is a journey across an unknown land with nothing to
protect you from the elements except one another.
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