Page 59 - HaMizrachi # 23 Sukkot Simchat Torah 2020 USA

GENERAL INTEREST

Rabbi Elisha Aviner Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier

The Key to a Successful Marriage

hat’s the biggest cause of
divorce today? If you were
Wto ask a group of your friends
to list the biggest cause of divorce
today, you would probably get a string
of answers: money, children, religion,
in-laws.

Interestingly, none of them are true.

While any one of these may create fric-
tion in a relationship, none of them are she wants to send the children to a always plenty of people who are older
significant causes of divorce. The one chassidishe school, and he wants them and wiser to guide them.
and only leading cause of divorce today brought up Litvishe, the solution isn’t for A big part of a happy marriage is real-
is fighting. the kids to grow payot just on one side. izing there are many things that won’t
Or if he wants to have at least a dozen
Now you may say, “Well, isn’t that obvi- kids, and she feels that four is about all go the way I want. And it’s not because
ous? Of course couples breaking up are she can handle, there is no solution that my spouse is mean or selfish. It’s not
going to be fighting. But it’s the issues will satisfy both of them. because he always has to have things
that cause the fights. The issues are the his way. And it’s not that, “We aren’t
crux of the problem.” These issues never go away. They meant for each other.” When you take
remain part and parcel of a couple’s life two people with independent interests
But this is a misunderstanding. It’s throughout their marriage. Yet despite and values, it’s inevitable there will be
not the issues that cause fights. It’s having these types of differences, most differences.
how the couple deals with the issues. couples are able to create a long-stand-
That defines their relationship. It’s not ing, harmonious union. The more a couple works on their bond
the children, or money, or religion, or of love and affection, the easier these
in-laws causing the trouble. It’s how What’s even more eye-opening is that things become. It’s much easier to give
in to someone I have a deep regard for.
the couple negotiates their differences studies show that about a third of the If husband and wife can learn to have
over these issues. That determines the issues couples fight about have no com- true regard for one another, they will be
success or the failure of the marriage. promise position. It’s either your parents’ able to find a way around the issues that

As an example: Irreconcilable house for the Seder or mine. We paint come up. But it still requires work, and
Differences the living room green or blue. Mixing more importantly, the understanding
the two isn’t an option. Despite these that “Of course, there will be differences,
Studies show that 70% of successful, differences, many couples are able to and naturally I will have to give in often.”
long-standing marriages have irrecon- maintain a loving happy relationship… That is critical for a happy marriage.
cilable differences. An irreconcilable dif- and some aren’t.
ference refers to a major life issue when
he wants one thing, she wants another, Two mature, reasonable people can Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier is a veteran
and there is no possible compromise. If manage to figure out a way to deal with educator and noted relationships expert
he has a thriving business in NYC, and almost anything that life throws at them. who served as a high school rebbe for 15
years before creating TheShmuz.com, a
for medical reasons, she needs to live in Sometimes my way, sometimes yours, popular website that dispenses weekly
San Diego, there is no middle ground. but we’re in this together, and we’ll Torah inspiration to 10,000 people across
Chicago won’t help either of them. If figure it out. And if they can’t, there are the globe.

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