Page 56 - Hamizrachi #30 USA 2021 Yom Yerushalayim - Shavuot

GENERAL INTEREST

Shayna Goldberg

Parenting with Trust

s parents, we think carefully If Shabbat is a core value in our involved when a four-year-old colors on
about how to convey our lives, we should focus on making it Shabbat or turns on a musical toy.
Torah values to our children. the highlight of the week for even Unfortunately though, fear, often
We aspire for them to iden- our youngest children. It should be subconscious, can lead us to unjustifiably
Atify with what is important to permeated with entrancing sounds and rebuke or even punish a child in these
us, and we wonder how to most effectively smells, tastes and images, rather than circumstances, as we worry that this
transmit our beliefs, practices and heritage. with parental angst or harsh scolding child does not, and therefore will not,
It can be normal to worry about in response to children who reach care about Shabbat.
whether we are being successful and for electric toys or giggle between The concern is real, but this kind of
whether our children are internalizing handwashing and eating challah. reflexive response can be damaging in
our messages. The goal, however, should the long run. We can always teach our
be to instill “fear of G-d” in our children children more about the expectations of
in ways that are healthy and palatable. observance, but it is infinitely harder to
Describing the educational philosophy If we genuinely undo negative feelings and associations.
of his great-grandfather, Rabbi Shimshon Rebuke and scolding may cause a child
Raphael Hirsch, Dr. Mordechai Breuer believe in the to quickly drop the crayon she was
once wrote: “In education, let ourselves ancient power of coloring with, but what feelings will be
be guided by trust and truth, not by fear.” internalized at the same time?
What can educating with trust look Judaism itself, Moreover, fear is palpable and easily
like in practice? detected by even the youngest of
I believe that the first part is identifying we should trust children. If our youth sense fear, they
the core values that are so important and that these values might learn that even the adults in
meaningful to us in life, that we want their lives don’t authentically believe in
ourselves and our children to carry forward will penetrate the inherent attractiveness of the very
always, no matter where we are and tradition they are working to transmit.
whatever life throws our way. Examples over time If, however, we trust the potency and
of core values can include our connection vitality of our own values – that is, if we
to tefilla or to Talmud Torah, Shabbat, genuinely believe in the ancient power
chesed or the Land of Israel in our lives, the of Judaism itself – we should trust that
importance of being a mature and dignified This takes trust in the power of these values will penetrate over time. We
person or the kind of relationships we have Shabbat, as well as the courage to will ultimately parent our children better,
with family or friends. avoid fear tactics and to overcome our as we use situations as opportunities for
If parents can trust that their children own lurking fears for our children. education rather than for punishment.
understand these values, then they For example, while much of Shabbat It is entirely possible to inculcate a
do not need to live in fear that every observance involves abstaining from strong belief system based on a positive
misdeed on the part of a child might many of our typical weekday practices, perspective of trust, and we should have
mean they have failed to educate we need to trust that our children will confidence in ourselves to do so.
properly. And when we have faith in absorb this concept over time and that
the power of our values and in the way what is genuinely important to us will Shayna Goldberg is the author of the
we convey them to our children, we can become important to them as well. Even forthcoming book What Do You Really
better trust our intuitions about when to though we can introduce the concepts Want? Trust and Fear at Life’s Crossroads
discipline and when to ignore, when to of muktzeh and melacha at a young age and in Everyday Living (Maggid, 2021) and a
punish and when to let something go. and discuss them in our homes, I would mashgicha ruchanit in the SKA Beit Midrash
Let’s take the example of Shabbat. suggest we do not need to agonize or get for Women of Yeshivat Har Etzion (Migdal Oz).

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