Page 56 - HaMizrachi #27 Purim USA 2021

GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Helping Your Challenging Teen

woman called to discuss her wants him, and that he has nowhere to opposing side of a very formidable
concerns regarding her 17-year- go. Each time she reminded him of this fence.
A old son. She described his down- painful fact, she was inadvertently caus- • Do not beat up on yourselves as par-
ward slide throughout his high school ing him needless anguish, and adding ents (where did we go wrong?). This
years, the “bad friends,” the constant to the chasm that exists between them. will accomplish nothing productive.
bickering with his parents over dozens His antisocial behavior just might be The brutal reality is that these sit-
of issues large or small, the tension and his clumsy response to his perception uations arise in every type of home
friction with his siblings, being asked (real or imagined) that our society has and at every income level. More
to leave the four yeshivas that he had rejected him. importantly, doing this in front of
attended during those three years... your son will only add to his feeling
Some Pointers for Parents
Now he had hit rock bottom. of inadequacy.
• Ein chavush matir atzmo mibeit
He sleeps until noon, “hangs around asurim (a prisoner cannot extract • After some time has passed, and
the house” until suppertime, then, with himself from his bondage without you have established a working rela-
a curt farewell, leaves the house. He the assistance of others). Consider tionship, collaboratively work with
returns in the early hours of the morn- finding a mentor for your child – an him on a set of house rules for him
ing, goes to sleep, and begins the day in educator or layperson – to whom regarding his leaving and returning
the same fashion as the previous ones. your child can confide. Few teen- home at night. You might be pleas-
Any attempt by his parents to determine agers, even in the best of situations, antly surprised by his response.
where or with whom he is spending can do this with their parents. • Explain to him that you are willing
his time is met with a disrespectful or • Establish an ongoing dialogue with to make some accommodations to
downright rude retort. meet the needs of his current life-
him. That includes, but should not
“Rabbi Horowitz,” she cried, “What be limited to, serious discussions style. However, ask him to under-
should I do?!” about present yeshiva and/or work stand that you have other children,
possibilities, aspirations for the parents, etc., and that he should be
I began by asking the woman how many considerate of that reality as well.
times she had asked her son, that day, future, etc. If you are unhappy with the music
any of the following questions: • Never discuss serious issues during he listens to, for example, ask him
an argument. to close the door to his room, and
“Why aren’t you going to yeshiva?”
• Never, ever, engage in vicious, per- insist that he wear headphones
“Why are you wasting your time?” while the music is playing.
sonal attacks on your son’s friends
“When are you finally going to do some- when their names come up during • Finally, try to play the long game.
thing with your life?” an argument. Firstly, despite your The vast majority of these teens out-
instructions to the contrary, every grow this temporary stage in their
She hesitantly answered “About 10 or
15 times.” word you utter will unquestionably lives. Your son may not become
be repeated to that friend. You will everything you had originally hoped
15 x 6 (days) equals 90 comments per have earned yourself a sworn enemy for him, but he will, with the help of
week. 90 x 6 weeks totals 540 hurtful at a time when you need every ally G-d, grow to be a wonderful adult
attacks on her son’s self- confidence. I you can get. Additionally, bear in – a source of nachat to himself, to
explained to the woman that although mind that at this stage in your son’s you and to Klal Yisrael.
her son’s disrespectful behavior is inex- life, he is more closely aligned with Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is an educator, author,
cusable, she ought to keep in mind that his friends than he is with you. By and child safety advocate. He conducts par-
he is in as much agony as she is, perhaps attacking his friends, you are posi- enting workshops in Jewish communities
more so. He feels that no yeshiva actually tioning them – and him – on the around the world.

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