Page 368 - Under the Cover of Darkness

surgery compared to the implants and will involve much
longer hospitalisation, much more complex surgery -
joining my nerve endings together, taking skin, fat and
muscle from other parts of my body and leaving me with
scars to my back and my stomach as well....
* When I was lying in agony for an hour coming round
from the last surgery I promised myself that I would not
go for any more surgery because the pain was so
unbearable - an anaesthetist sat with me for an hour
while I struggled to breathe through the pain giving a
cocktail of morphine, pethidine, codeine and tramadol.
* ...But what kind of woman wouldn’t go through
ANYTHING to maintain her femininity and defining
figure? What kind of pathetic person am I that would
"chicken out of it"?
* - But why should we / I place so much value on
physicality and appearance and preparedness to go
through these traumas? Why don’t I / we value ourselves
enough just as who we are and not against a physical
aesthetic?
* - I 1st went in with a 6cm lump of cancer - do I now
want this nightmare spreading across my whole body in
the form of cuts and scars?
* Will my sexual, romantic life be over if I don’t do
something to reconstruct this breast that’s been taken?
So far, all these questions and more are still going round n
round my mind all day. I hope I get to some kind of
conclusion sooner rather than later it’s very wearing.

16 May 2015 —
Trying to figure out if I can make paper lilies now...tricky
shape, Orchids are a bit easier shape cos they kind of