Page 94 - Gary's Book - Final Copy 7.9.2017_Active

Conclusion

If the Lord allowed me one additional day on earth with the fulfillment to do
anything I wanted to do, it would be to have a face to face chat with Dad as to why

he acted the way he did. I know his upbringing was very dysfunctional. I lived in
fear of him and Alma Jurnic. I always wondered why Alma was so cruel and nasty
to humans - to poor, unwanted children - but was such a defender when it came to
cruelty to animals. I lived with two cruel, mean people. What drives people to be
so evil – so mean and cruel to others? It’s difficult to comprehend. I wished many

times I could cry, but I just couldn’t. Instead, I would laugh or joke. My life could
have been so different in a normal family environment.

I have been blessed with excellent health, above average intelligence, a family and
a comfortable level of success in this world. However, I have, at times, been taken
advantage of because I was too fearful to stand up to orders and directives in my
job, and it frequently penalized me. I was often afraid to oppose or to follow up on

assignments because of being a Christian or because of what I knew. Being in the
middle and trying to be the conduit to both is very difficult. I should have been
stronger in most facets of my life. I should have released certain employees earlier.
I should not have been so concerned over accepting job offers. I should not have
accepted fake Christians bluffing me for fear of doing the incorrect thing in the
eyes of the Lord. I am ashamed now of being a weakling in many decisions. I have

had the Lord in my life most days - as it seemed when doubts were encountered.

Life has taught me a lot. It’s taught me not to look to where I have fallen but to
look from where I have slipped. I’ve learned to look at life through the windshield
instead of through the rear-view mirror. I’ve learned that courage is not the lack of
fear but the ability to act while facing fear. I wish I had understood earlier that the

best way to predict my future was to create it.

I wish my siblings and I could have been closer as a family, but life continues to
intrude. Life is messy and presents challenges. My family has suffered from abuse,
pain, hurt, loneliness and unacceptance. We now have the issues of finances,
distance, time, separation, and, above all, silence.

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