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TEACHINGS | EASTERN HORIZON 17

We can do this with our loved ones as well, noting in our judgment of other parents who don’t want their kids
children, “Ah, anger is here. Sadness is here”—though, hanging out with our bad influence. We too are certain
depending on the mood, perhaps not noting these to face these winds in the parenthood journey, if we
thoughts aloud. In this way, we open ourselves to a haven’t already. The day my son was due, my sister
deeper engagement with all of life, embodying balance called to tell me she had been diagnosed with stage 2
and stability in the face of uncertainty and change. Most breast cancer. One day our family has it all; the next
important, equanimity better enables us to develop a day we lose a job, a house, or even a family member.
stable, secure base for attachment with our children, One year we are the cool parent in our child’s group of
ensuring their optimal physical, psychological, and friends; the next we are infamously uptight and old-
spiritual development. fashioned. Our own therapist praises our parenting, but
our child’s therapist gives us a long list of “suggestions.”
The Eight Worldly Winds One year we celebrate our child’s coming of age, the

Equanimity is said to keep us on the right track in the next we have to bury our own parents. The challenge in
face of eight worldly winds—fame and disrepute (or all of this is learning neither to overidentify with these
praise and blame), gain and loss, success and failure, changes nor to see them as permanent.
and joy and sorrow. We could all probably add a few
more “winds” that we’ve experienced, but this list The good (and bad) news is that all the winds are
covers a great deal of what we face in life. temporary. Equanimity acts like the ballast of a ship.
Although the ship is blown one way or the other by the
Buddhism teaches that the nature of suffering is dual and winds of life, it neither sinks nor goes too far off-course.
permeable, which is to say that we experience suffering
together, and it’s contagious. We are only as happy as our Here is how these eight winds can play out in our lives:
unhappiest child, as parents are fond of saying.
Fame and Disrepute (Praise and Blame)

And often, the stronger our bonds with our children, the How well your family approaches and learns from
more vividly we are blown about by their eight winds, these winds will determine your family’s resilience.
experiencing their joys and sorrows in the complex One of the best ways to deal with praise and blame
dance of interpersonal neurobiology. One week our kids is to be well-rounded, which is not the same as being
are invited to the “cool” party; the next, they are back hyperscheduled. You’re more than a parent, just as your
with the “nerd herd.” They win praise for their finding child is more than your son or daughter. Everyone in
balance in a broken world and staying steady through your family has multiple roles and activities that mean
the stressful role in the winter musical but then are a lot to you, and it’s important to recognize that and to
blamed for losing the playoff game because they missed hold your identities lightly and enjoy them. To balance a
the fly ball. One spring they celebrate the success of ship, ballast must be spread evenly and widely.
acceptance to the college of their dreams, and the next
fall they lose their scholarship when their grades slip. If your child is overattached to their identity as the
One bright summer day brings unbelievable joy at the smartest kid or the best soccer player, they will struggle
beach followed by inconsolable sorrow when their when the world inevitably suggests otherwise. This is
ice cream cone crashes onto the hot pavement. These often when they’ll melt down, act out, or just give up on
delights, slings, and arrows come and go throughout something that had been important to them. Even worse,
their lives and our own. they can become anxious and depressed, turn to drugs
or cutting, or any number of other behaviors that land
They also mirror each other. When our child is the them in my office (or landed me in the offices of several
difficult one at the playground, we watch as the other therapists when I was a kid). We can help them shift their
parents shrink away from us and playdate invitations identities in ways that will serve them in the long run.
fade. When our teen gets into trouble, we face the