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18 EASTERN HORIZON | TEACHINGS

For example, we can balance the identity of smart kid see the same happening in the world, helping them
with the more sustainable identity of hard worker. Even understand how their successes are built upon their
better, we encourage kids in their various interests so relationships with others. By encountering success in
they have a range of identities to fall back on. They might this manner, we foster equanimity in all of us.
not get an A on the spelling test, but they’re still a beloved
grandchild, helpful friend, and decent skateboarder. Setbacks are painful, but they too hold powerful lessons
Likewise, if they ace the test, they can feel great at in equanimity. It’s far too easy to become fixated on
something without overinflating their ego, because what failures seem to represent in the moment—not
they’re better able to put their successes in context. meeting an explicit goal or desire. It’s much harder to
see the bigger picture and take the long view. The truth
Gain and Loss is, the path to success is often circuitous, with plenty
Just like praise and blame, gain and loss are inevitable of failures along the way. Reflect on how this is true
parts of life from childhood onward. Although winning for you and share your journey with your children, or
and losing streaks always end, we can accept the flow of tell your kids stories about well-known people who
victories and defeats. had unexpected paths to success. Discuss your own
setbacks, career changes, and odd meanderings with
In addition—although it’s tricky—we can learn to your kids—within reason, of course. Most important,
find silver linings when things don’t go our way. We reframe your so-called failures as opportunities. Doing
can prepare ourselves and our children for the more so will help your children connect the dots between
difficult times to come by first working through the overcoming setbacks, staying true to one’s values, hard
smaller challenges of skinned knees and broken hearts. work, and inevitable rewards.
We can practice equanimity much better when we
understand how events are interdependent. We also We all need to fail from time to time. Learning,
develop equanimity when we look into the future with adaptation, and resilience require some degree of
the same acceptance we have at examining the winding defeat. It’s not only OK to let your children fail; it’s also
path that got us to where we are today. wise to do so. Learning to bounce back from “failure”
is one of the most useful gifts you can offer the adults
Equanimity arises when we renounce control—or, more they will eventually become. Only by making their way
accurately, when we renounce the illusion of control. through smaller setbacks do our children learn how to
Ideally, we learn along the way to strike a workable deal with bigger ones.
balance between letting our children live their own lives
Joy and Sorrow, Pleasure and Pain
and make their own mistakes and keeping them happy
and safe. Being a parent requires doing both. Humans are resilient. Consider the fact that our species
has survived millennia of violence, disease, starvation,
Success and Failure and emotional pain of all types. As the Buddha famously
It’s natural to seek success in life and to want the same pointed out, suffering is inevitable. None of us will
for our children. However, the dangers of success are escape sorrow and pain, not even people who devote
arrogance and pride, which are often deficiencies in their lives to the spiritual path.
gratitude and the wisdom of interdependence.
An interviewer once asked the Dalai Lama about his
Fortunately, we can accompany any success we meet regrets in life. The holy man replied that after a student
with mindful gratitude for others. A wise mentor once of his had once committed suicide, he had felt regret
advised me, “Remember when you feel proud of an and responsibility for the man’s death. When asked
accomplishment to also feel grateful to those who by the interviewer how to get rid of such a feeling, the
helped you.” We can model gratitude in the face of Dalai Lama paused and said: “I didn’t. It’s still there. I
success with our children and point it out when we just don’t allow it to drag me down and pull me back.