Page 495 - the-brothers-karamazov

first time in my life this question forced itself upon me. He
had said, ‘Mother, my little heart, in truth we are each re-
sponsible to all for all, it’s only that men don’t know this. If
they knew it, the world would be a paradise at once.’
‘God, can that too be false?’ I thought as I wept. ‘In truth,
perhaps, I am more than all others responsible for all, a
greater sinner than all men in the world.’ And all at once the
whole truth in its full light appeared to me: what was I going
to do? I was going to kill a good, clever, noble man, who had
done me no wrong, and by depriving his wife of happiness
for the rest of her life, I should be torturing and killing her
too. I lay thus in my bed with my face in the pillow, heedless
how the time was passing. Suddenly my second, the ensign,
came in with the pistols to fetch me.
‘Ah,’ said he, ‘it’s a good thing you are up already, it’s time
we were off, come along!’
I did not know what to do and hurried to and fro unde-
cided; we went out to the carriage, however.
‘Wait here a minute,’ I said to him. ‘I’ll be back directly, I
have forgotten my purse.’
And I ran back alone, to Afanasy’s little room.
‘Afanasy,’ I said, ‘I gave you two blows on the face yester-
day, forgive me,’ I said.
He started as though he were frightened, and looked at
me; and I saw that it was not enough, and on the spot, in my
full officer’s uniform, I dropped at his feet and bowed my
head to the ground.
‘Forgive me,’ I said.
Then he was completely aghast.

The Brothers Karamazov