Page 22 - Megan Reichman

Q. I’m a new Mom, and I’d like to know the best ways to and what you liked or disliked may not produce the same re-
develop self-confidence in my child. action in your children. When you can truly see your children
as their own distinct selves and nourish that uniqueness, it
A. The short answer is to recognize basic human needs will feed their confidence. A phrase I learned years ago says
each of us has: love, support, and validation (acknowledge- it all: “We tend to avoid the mistakes our parents made, and
ment, attention, appreciation). From the earliest stages in so doing, we make the mistakes they avoided.” As a child,
infants thrive on love, comfort, and cuddling. When they look my own mother was very self-centered. She showed little
into your eyes, they need to see a positive reflection of them- interest in me or my activities if they varied from her agenda.
selves. You can accomplish this by being fully present and When I became a mom, I decided I would devote myself
not continually distracted. It takes a little practice on learning to showing interest in my children’s lives. When one of my
how to focus and be with them in the moment. As they grow, daughters was about sixteen, she said to me one day: “Mom,
allow them to experiment and explore in keeping with their there’s something you do that I really hate! You never talk
mental and physical abilities. Encouragement, along with about yourself, I’m not getting to know you!”
setting appropriate limits will let them know they are safe to
learn about their world and help them to feel more confident. It is helpful to learn about the different stages children go
through on their path to becoming adults. Erik Erikson, a
Many parents, out of their great love and feelings of over- Developmental Psychologist (1902-1994), created a model
whelming responsibility will set too many limits, thereby of human growth and development that is the most widely
restricting the child’s ability to develop coping skills. This can accepted theory on the different life phases and what Is re-
take the form of being overprotective or over-critical. The quired to successfully master each stage. His system, called
rule of thumb is to do nothing regularly for your children that the Epigenetic Principle, describes the tasks required at each
they can do for themselves. There is a value in allowing your phase, and how successful outcomes will produce a healthy
children to learn from the consequences of their own ac- and self-confident child (his theory continues throughout
tions, as long as they are able to understand the concept. At the life cycle). Understanding these concepts will also help
each stage of development, their ability to learn from conse- you recognize what is normal and healthy behavior at each
quences will be different. One of the biggest challenges for stage, and help you to relax when your child is exhibiting
parents is to learn how and when to hold firm and when to let normal but distressing behavior
go.
What often gets in the way is the tendency parents have to If you have questions please contact Shelli Chosak, PhD
modify their behavior towards their children based on their at shelli@sandiegowoman.com
own experiences with their parents. It’s important
to recognize that your children are not carbon copies of you,

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September/October 2010