Page 27 - HaMizrachi #15 2019 Chanuka USA

PARENTING

Rabbi Moshe Berliner Dr. David Pelcovitz

The Power of Time and Connection

in Moral Education

core predictor of which families in which parents and children the children of youth” (Tehillim 127:4).
families produce children who eat dinner together every night. The The obvious question is what is the
A grow up to be described as importance of “eating dinner” together connection between a warrior holding
a mensch is the amount and quality is not the eating or the dinner; it’s the his bow and arrow and childhood?
of time spent by parents with their uninterrupted, focused interaction The Kotzker answers that just like
children. In a carefully researched that seems to bear such valuable fruit. with an archer, the closer he pulls the
national survey of working parents in Children have sensitive radar and can bow, the further and straighter the
the United States, the Pew Research tell whether their parents are really arrow will go, so too, with children:
Center documented the reality that there and paying attention to them, the closer we hold them, the further
most children grow up in a household or if their minds are preoccupied and straighter they go.
in which both of their parents work. with concerns about work or other
Many parents find it difficult to problems. Making time for your child In a classic longitudinal study,
balance the demands of work and entails truly being present both in USC Sociology professor, Vernon
family. Most parents (86% of mothers mind and body, and providing the Bengston, asked a basic question
and 81% of fathers), say they feel undivided attention that children about the internalization of religious
rushed at least sometimes, while 40% need to develop and internalize proper values. Looking over the span of four
of full-time working moms say they values. generations, what kind of parenting
always feel rushed. practice best predicts which great-
In addition to eating meals together, grandchildren would continue to
The amount of time parents spend routine family rituals such as regularly share the basic religious values and
with children is not necessarily scheduled family vacations, bedtime practices of their great-grandparents?
correlated with positive child rituals, and holiday and birthday Bengston’s findings were what
outcomes. Rather, it is the quality celebrations are more important to a common-sense would dictate: a
of the time. For example, there is child’s healthy development than has consistent religious message, a lack of
evidence that when parents are been previously appreciated. Research hypocrisy demonstrated by practicing
stressed, irritable, and sleep-deprived, has documented that children appear what was preached, and marriage
the time they spend with their to benefit in a very powerful manner to a partner who was committed to
children can actually be harmful. In from partaking in regularly scheduled, carrying on in the family religious
contrast, quality time spent reading structured and predictable activities. traditions. Most importantly, however,
to a child, enjoying a family dinner For example, studies indicate that the most powerful predictor of what
together, or engaging in calm one-on- families who value these activities and determined whether a child who
one discussion is clearly associated invest time and energy in ensuring left religious practice returned was
with positive outcomes in children. that children experience these rituals the level of warmth and closeness
in a meaningful and predictable between parent and child. As long
In a fascinating series of studies, manner, raise children who are less as at least one parent continued to
researchers have found a direct anxious, feel more “lovable,” and metaphorically hold their child’s hand,
correlation between the number of have more positive self-concepts. even after they left religious practice,
times a week parents eat dinner with Conversely, when these activities are the continued warmth, connection,
their children and their children’s disrupted because of traumatic family and love made it more likely that the
risk for drug abuse. Families that eat events such as divorce or chronic child would ultimately return to the
dinner together once a week have illness, children are at increased religious tradition in which they were
children with a lower risk for drug risk for a wide range of behavioral, raised.
abuse than those that never do. With academic and emotional difficulties.
each increasing night that parents and Dr. David Pelcovitz holds the Gwendolyn
and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology
children eat together, drug abuse risk The Kotzker Rebbe has a beautiful and Jewish Education at the Azrieli
decreases to the point where there interpretation of the verse, “Like Graduate School of Jewish Education and
is virtually no risk for drug abuse in arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are Administration at Yeshiva University

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