Page 18 - Family Life Student Textbook

Children are dependent upon their parents for not only physical sustenance but also emotional support. The
parent-child bond should be very strong. But part of the process of becoming an adult and preparing for
marriage is to leave our parents and change that bond with them.

Though it is helpful to have some physical separation between a newly married couple and their parents,
that is not always possible. Many times, in the Jewish culture of the Old Testament time, a young man
preparing for marriage would build an additional room onto his father’s house in which the newly married
couple would live. So physical separation does not seem to be the primary requirement.

But what is in view is a change in the emotional bond between a child and his parents. While we do not
cease to be a child of our parents, the relationship must change. We are now married children who have to
create a new and more important bond with our mate. This new bond takes priority over the former bond
we had with our parents.

This does not mean that we no longer have any relationship with our parents. The Bible commands us to
honor our parents as adults and the Bible commands small children to obey their parents. So as husband-
and-wife, we should honor our parents, but we must learn to make our decisions together as husband and
wife. Our mate should be the first person we go to for emotional support and encouragement. When our
parents try to unduly influence us and command us to do something, we should respectfully reserve the
right to make our own decisions as husband-and-wife and do what is best for our new family.

When difficulties arise in our relationship, we must resist the temptation to go to our parents for answers or
for support. Instead, we need to work out our problems with each other as husband and wife. Complaining
to our parents about our mate is never a good choice.

As Christian leaders, we need to teach and model obedience to this command. We need to prepare the
bride and groom to leave their parents as they get married. Weddings in the western culture often
symbolize this leaving during the wedding ceremony. Both parents light a candle, signifying the life of their
child. They then hand the candles to their children. The bride and groom then light a third candle which
represents their new life together. After lighting this third candle each of them blows out his own candle,
signifying the end of their individual lives as they begin their new life together.

As you counsel couples in troubled marriages, this is often one of the key areas to discuss. Many times, at
least one of them has not adequately left the influence and emotional bond of their parents. This will create
problems in the new marriage relationship. Only obedience to this command will bring unity and freedom to
their marriage.

It is helpful to counsel the parents of the bride and groom before the wedding about this necessary change
in the relationship with their grown children. Help them see that everything they do should be designed to
improve this new marriage and not to cause tension and it. This will involve some sacrifice from the parents.
However, this is God’s command and it is a wonderful way to help the new marriage succeed. Some
overbearing parents may need to be reminded of this command.

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