Page 157 - Advanced Biblical Counseling Student Textbook

Less and Leslie Parrot suggest four areas of commitment that every couple should be willing to make
before entering into a marriage:

1. Assess the high value of commitment. I can't emphasize enough the importance of commitment in
sustain lifelong love. Three doctors who have studied six thousand marriages and three thousand
divorces concluded, “There may be nothing more important in a marriage than a determination that it
shall persist. With such a determination, individuals forced themselves to adjust and to accept
situations which would seem sufficient grounds for a breakup, if continuation of the marriage were not
the prime objective. Commitment is the mortar that holds the stones of marriage in place.

2. Meet your partner’s needs. Everyone who has taken a general psychology class and studied
Abraham Maslow's hierarchy can tell you that human beings have a fundamental need for security. One
of the best ways to give people security is by meeting as many of their day-to-day needs as you can.
Once partners meet each other’s needs to unwind after work, or the need to have one night out every
week, for example, the level of security in the relationship rises. Meaning even the smallest of needs can
cultivate the security of commitment.

3. Honor your partner’s promise. People can become so focused on their own commitment and the
sacrifices they are making for their marriage that they miss the beauty of their spouses promise to them.
We canceled a young man in his first year of marriage who saw commitment keeping as a sucker’s game
–a moral scam to cheat him out of his last chance for happiness. Since his marriage wasn't as satisfying
as he wanted, he was ready to cut bait and move on, even though his wife was desperately devoted to
him. Until we pointed it out, he hadn't even considered her gift of commitment to him. But recognizing
how faithful she was in honoring her vow of love, this young husband decided he too would aspire to
the fine art of promise keeping. Honoring our spouses promise is a good way to cultivate commitment.

4. Make your commitment part of your being. In a scene from Thomas Bolt’s play, A Man for all
Seasons, Thomas More explained to his daughter Margaret why he cannot go back on an oath he took:
“When a man makes a promise, Meg, he puts himself into his own hands, like water. And if he opens his
fingers to let it out, he need not hope to find himself again.” As human beings, we create and define
ourselves through commitments, and those commitments become an integral part of our identity.
When we contradict our commitments, we lose ourselves and suffer in an identity crisis. You could
strengthen your commitment to your partner by choosing to make it a vital part of your being, by giving
it top priority, so much so that to break it is to break who you are. 237

Counseling those who plan to get married.

The Bible talks a lot about unity of partnerships based on a person’s spiritual condition. If both couples
are not believers in Christ, the Bible forbids the unity of a lost and saved person. The spiritual unity of a
couple is the glue that will keep them together throughout their lives, and a disunity of spirit will cause a
huge rift in the relationship. So as a counselor, you must ask each party to give his testimony of faith in
Christ and determine if his testimony is genuine based on his walk of faith. If both are believers or both
are unbelievers, proceed. But if one is a believer and the other not, then you should counsel them
according to the Scriptures. Read to them 2 Corinthians 6:14-17 and help them understand that until
both are committed to Christ, their marriage is not a good path.

237 Ibid., pp. 55-56.

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