Page 102 - The Legacy of Abraham Rothstein - text

A marriage proposition
got acquainted, never talked to them. It was not modesty or shyness,
just the custom of religious upbringing. Amongst themselves, the
boys made remarks about and fancied this or that nice-looking girl,
but publicly they looked as serious as priests and would not stare at
any girls. Inwardly I liked good-looking girls, but I could not speak
about the subject with my parents or with any pious Jews. As a rule,
girls know more about marriage problems and who is eligible in the
neighborhood than boys do, because of all the gossip among the
women. The mother will talk over with her daughter her future, her
prospective husband, and so forth, whereas the father is very shy
about discussing sex and marriage with his son. Girls are more
trusting and feel friendlier with their mothers than boys with their
fathers.
So matchmakers were necessary, shadkhen who could “bring the
cat over the river,” as the old Yiddish proverb says. They made a
living full- or part-time at it, and even when the boy liked the girl and
the families knew each other, a shadkhen must be had. Why? Because,
beside the real issue of the engaged couple, four more concerned
individuals have to join in the deal: two fathers and two mothers. It
concerns the dowry and gifts. The girl’s side has to promise a dowry
and a gold watch—if prosperous, also a gold cigarette holder, not
plated but real fourteen-carat—and the boy’s father promises the girl
a ladies’ watch and chain—and, if he is well-to-do, a pair of small
diamond earrings. In most cases, the dowry is promised to come after
the wedding, as a sort of pledge. Those who have no trust demand
that the money be put the hands of a third party, usually the most
prominent man in town, but the ornaments must come before the
wedding.
But a matchmaker, who is the most voracious being on earth, will
not despair: he can wait a year to find a match, for which he gets a
few rubles and many dinners at the in-laws. He will break through a
wall to get his money. Many of those matchmakers, after concluding
a deal and earning their ten or twenty rubles by arguing over the
dowry and jewelry values with two mamas, cough their lungs out and
become sick men. And many of those dowry pledges are never paid;
then what heartbreaking scenes are played! Particularly if the girl is
not such a beauty, for the parents whose daughter is not good-

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