Page 223 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland
P. 223

Chapter Thirty-Seven


               I push back the covers and crawl over Gord to get to his
            phone. I call my friend Kathryn. She tells me that Hudson is
            moving out and it’s safe to go back. She then picks me up and
            takes me to the apartment. I am elated to see that our two dogs
            are fine.
               In the next two days I am a walking contradiction. On
            one hand, I am the lovesick teenager, overjoyed and filled with
            licentious hormones. On the other I am still that frightened
            young girl, riddled with shame and fear, worrying about what
            others  will  think.  It’s  a  wild  cocktail  of  angst,  pheromones
            and adrenaline with a bitter chaser of guilt. And I feel drunk.
            Seriously, I  need  a  pill  or  something  to  slow things  down.
            Numb me out. I have no desire to eat. Weed helps calm me at
            night so I indulge freely, desperate to take the edge off. God
            knows I can’t imbibe during the day or I’d be a complete waste
            of space. I need my wits about me!
               My heart jumps every time the phone rings. But I do choose
            to answer. There are many difficult phone calls with Hudson.
            On one he is sobbing from a payphone at the side of the road.
            He is a total wreck. Angry, heartbroken and distraught. All
            those times he accused me of being more than just friends with
            Gord, and all those times I lied. So many lies. But now, I come
            clean. This makes him even more hysterical. Because this time
            he knows I am not coming back.
               I have never done anything so shamelessly, wantonly “in
            your face.” Never have I been this rebellious. Never have I gone
            against so many rules. Never have I cast all caution to the wind.
            Never have I done exactly what I want to do, with no concern
            for anyone else.
               I have always hidden. Existed in shadows. Tiptoed around
            the truth. At an early age I learned how to suppress and protect.
            And I was very good at it. It was my survival.


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