Page 223 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland
P. 223
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I push back the covers and crawl over Gord to get to his
phone. I call my friend Kathryn. She tells me that Hudson is
moving out and it’s safe to go back. She then picks me up and
takes me to the apartment. I am elated to see that our two dogs
are fine.
In the next two days I am a walking contradiction. On
one hand, I am the lovesick teenager, overjoyed and filled with
licentious hormones. On the other I am still that frightened
young girl, riddled with shame and fear, worrying about what
others will think. It’s a wild cocktail of angst, pheromones
and adrenaline with a bitter chaser of guilt. And I feel drunk.
Seriously, I need a pill or something to slow things down.
Numb me out. I have no desire to eat. Weed helps calm me at
night so I indulge freely, desperate to take the edge off. God
knows I can’t imbibe during the day or I’d be a complete waste
of space. I need my wits about me!
My heart jumps every time the phone rings. But I do choose
to answer. There are many difficult phone calls with Hudson.
On one he is sobbing from a payphone at the side of the road.
He is a total wreck. Angry, heartbroken and distraught. All
those times he accused me of being more than just friends with
Gord, and all those times I lied. So many lies. But now, I come
clean. This makes him even more hysterical. Because this time
he knows I am not coming back.
I have never done anything so shamelessly, wantonly “in
your face.” Never have I been this rebellious. Never have I gone
against so many rules. Never have I cast all caution to the wind.
Never have I done exactly what I want to do, with no concern
for anyone else.
I have always hidden. Existed in shadows. Tiptoed around
the truth. At an early age I learned how to suppress and protect.
And I was very good at it. It was my survival.
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