Page 340 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

and yet had a hard time understanding why. I definitely had
an unhealthy attachment to my brother. My research now tells
me our relationship was a form of trauma bonding. I believe
I also experienced this with Hudson and possibly Mike, my
stepfather.
It’s difficult to delineate how the very early sexual abuse I
experienced at the hand of my brother specifically affected me.
There was so much other trauma in my childhood. It was all
interwoven. But I do know it was Jimmy who initiated me into
the world of secrets.
Years ago, I was flying over the Rockies from Vancouver
Island to Vian’s home in Calgary. Memories flooded back
about the time she and I visited Jimmy in Victoria. I could
hear my Grannie’s voice saying, “He was such a holy terror.” It
seemed Jimmy was destined to be the difficult one right from
his first breath. I grabbed the only thing I had to write on -
my boarding pass. I scribbled down these two words. Unusual
child.
The next day, I sat at Vian’s piano and wrote that song. The
emotional release was immense; I bawled like a baby. But it
was good. It was hard. It felt like something new was taking
place. The gift of music was once again allowing me to express
my deepest grief. And it wasn’t just about Jimmy. What I felt
was the river-rushing release of colossal stores of heartbreak.
For whatever reason, Jimmy was the key. This ‘unusual child’
was a symbol of everything my messed-up childhood had
stolen from me. I found another layer of forgiveness. That was
a monumental breakthrough for me. I’d been protecting my
heart for a very long time, wrapping it in armour and keeping
secrets even from myself. Writing Jimmy’s song marked the
beginning of my healing journey.
After I began sharing my story in public, I learned that

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