Page 38 - My FlipBook

planet. Then he connected a tractor beam to it. The autopilot
would have rolled its eyes if it had any. It called him a
stinkbunny and made toilet noises at him. Then it swore at him
in every language contained in its translator. Gnurdleigh was

still in shock and hardly noticed, infuriating the autopilot even
more. His intent was to drive past a large gas planet not far
away, turn his ship and let the tractor beam go, causing the
lush-green planet to crash into the giant gas planet and
vaporize upon contact. It may have possibly worked had he
accepted the terms of the used spaceship salesman and had
the engine tuned. But then, if he had done this the toilet would
have been fixed and he wouldn’t have had to stop and pee
anyways and all of existence would have never come to pass.

This makes the point rather moot. All Gnurdleigh did for all of
his furious activity was to move the planet one degree upon its
orbit before his engine sputtered, the brake failed, the tractor
beam disconnected, the autopilot cursed him in Slovenian
("Bedak!") and his ship careened through space, spinning
wildly upon no axis, towards the gas giant planet. The autopilot
giggled, said, “Whee! Time to crash!” then laughed heartily at

Gnurdleigh’s stupidity.

Within seconds Gnurdleigh realized he was about to crash into
the large gas planet. He tried unsuccessfully to gain control of
the spaceship manually. As a last resort, he pushed the button
to put the ship into post-light speed. The automatic pilot
despaired, “Fucking twerp!”, as Gnurdleigh pushed the button,
knowing that this foolish act should destroy the universe. It

28 BeerQuest