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Rabbi Chayim Friedlander # רדנלדירפ םייח ברה
A Peaceful Home ךלהא םולש יכ תעדיו סרטנוק
Chapter 2 - Lesson 4 ג רמאמ - י ֶנ ֵֶ ר ִר ִׁ
Chapter 2 - Lesson 4 אוּה ךְוּר ָבּ ֶּד ָקּ ַה ,רוּא ֵבּ םי ֶכי ֶר ְצ ה ִלּ ֵא םי ֶא ָל ְפ ֻמ ל" ַז ַר ירְֵבִדּ

ַעי ֶבּ ְט ֶה ִֶ ר ַמּל ,ה ָעוּנ ְצ ה ָשּׁ ֶא א ֵה ְתּ - ר ָבי ֵא ל ָכּ ל ַע ר ַמ ָא
The first year – working to bond. ר ָבי ֵא ל ָכ ְבּ תוּעי ֶנ ְצּ ַה ת ַדּ ֶמ ת ִא ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ת ַרי ֶצְי תי ֶֶא ֵר ֵמ
י ֵכ ְר ַדּ ם ֶא ַה ."י ֶת ָצ ֲע ת ִא וּע ְר ְפ ֶתּ ַו" תאֹז ל ָכ ְבוּ .הּ ָלּ ִֶ ר ָבי ֵא ְו
The Gaon Chazon Ish ZT”L established that anything that is םיֶיוּנ ְמ ַה םי ֶר ָבי ֵא ָה תאֹז ל ָכ ְבוּ ,םוּל ְכּ וּלי ֶעּה אלֹ ה ִלּ ֵא ה ָרי ֶצְי
necessary in order to become favorable to one’s wife is not included
in the statement of Chazal (Avot 1:5) “Do not speak excessively ם ֵה םי ֶדוּמּ ֶלּ ַה בֹר( !?תוּעי ֶנ ְצּ ַה ת ַדּ ֶמ ךְ ִפ ִה ם ִה ָבּ הָי ָה ֶ ָר ְד ֶמּ ַבּ
with a woman.” Particularly in the first year of marriage a Chatan ,תּקּ ַדּ פ ֵה תּעי ֶב ְתּ ַה ִֶ פי ֶב ָנ פ ֵכּ ם ֶא ,תֶּּד ְקּ ַה וּני ֵתּמּ ֶא ֵמ
should engage in much conversation and words of endearment
with his wife, as the specific job imposed by the Torah on a new .)ה ָהּב ְגּ ַה פ ָת ָג ֵר ְד ַמ ְל ם ֵא ְת ִה ְבּ
husband is to make his wife happy in order to reach a point where
the young couple bonds as one entity “They should be as one flesh.” ,םי ֶנּשּׁ ַה ָהי ִד ָד ְצ ל ַע ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ל ִֶ הָּי ְפ ָא וּנ ָל םי ֶלּ ַג ְמ ל" ַז ֲח אָלֶּא
This “bonding” is not something that comes automatically simply
because they had a wedding ceremony – Chupah and Kedushin. . ָהי ִדי ֶר ְפ ַת ְל הּ ָרי ֶֶ ְכ ַה ְל י ֵד ְכּ הּ ָבּ ַעי ֶבּ ְט ֶה אוּה ךְוּר ָבּ ֶּד ָקּ ַה ִֶ
This couple must work to create a mutual bonding as each one אי ֶה ְו ,הּ ָבי ֶב ְסּ ֶמ ם ָלּע ָה ל ִא - ה ָצוּח ַה ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה תי ֵנ ְפ ֻמ ד ָח ִא ד ַצּ ֶמ
comes from a different background, and each one has a different פי ֶכ ָה ְל י ֵד ְכּ םי ֶֶוּח ַה ְו ר ִמֹח ַה ם ַלּע ,ה ִזּ ַה ם ָלּע י ֵנְי ְנ ֶע ְבּ ת ִר ִסּע
personality in addition to the innate differences between a man
and a woman. Therefore the holy Torah set aside the first year of ל ִא ה ָמי ֶנ ְׁ ר ֵתּי ל ָל ְכּ ךְ ִר ִד ְבּ ה ִנ ְפ ֻמ ֶי ֶא ָה( תֶי ַבּ ַה י ֵכ ְר ָצ ל ָכּ ת ִא
marriage for them to arrive at the intent of Creation – “They will ת ִא פ ֵזּ ַא ְל י ֵד ְכּ ם ָלוּא .)י ֶמי ֶנ ְׁ י ֶנ ָחוּר ם ָלּע אוּה ִֶ ,ה ָרּתּ ַה ם ַלּע
be one entity,” and towards that goal the Torah freed the husband
from public service and from military service. Obviously it is to be םּר ָמּ ֶמ ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ת ִא אוּה ךְוּר ָבּ ֶּד ָקּ ַה א ָר ָבּ ,ה ָצוּח ַה הָיּ ֶנ ְׁ ַה
understood that after the first year he must continue in this effort הּ ָדוּב ְכּ ל ָכּ" - ר ָבי ֵא ְו ר ָבי ֵא ל ָכ ְבּ תוּעי ֶנ ְצּ ַה ת ִא ַעי ֶבּ ְט ֶה ְו , ַעוּנ ָצ
because this bonding is not a one-time thing that subsequently
automatically lasts, rather it is a situation subject to changes and ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָבּ ד ַחַי םי ֶל ֲעּׁ פ ֵכ ָל .]ד"י ה"מ םי ֶלּ ֶה ְתּ[ "ה ָמי ֶנ ְׁ ךְ ִל ִמ ת ַבּ
fluctuations, and moreover there is no limit to the perfection of their .ה ִז ת ִא ה ִז םי ֶר ְתּסּ ַה תּחֹכּ ַה י ֵנ ְֶ
bonding and the sensitivity each one feels towards the other, except
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םי ֶכ ָר ְצּ ַה ת ַנ ָב ֲה ַל בוֶּ ָח ַח ֵתּ ְפ ַמ ל" ַז ַר וּנ ָל םי ֶר ְסּמ ןאָכּ

9. The Gaon Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe Shli”tah writes in his essay entitled אי ֶצּה ְל ה ָכי ֶר ְצ אי ֶה י ֶכּ ,תי ֶנ ָר ְבּ ַד אי ֶה .ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָה ל ִֶ םיֶיּ ֶֶ ְפ ַנּ ַה
“Lessons Guiding the Chatanim,” that the angels who came to visit
Abraham (during his recovery following his circumcision at age ninety ל ַע ל" ַז ַר וּר ְמ ָא .הּ ָבּ ֶל ְבּ ִשּׁ ה ַמ ל ָכּ ת ִא םי ֶר ֵח ֲא ַל רֹס ְמ ֶל ְו ה ָצוּח ַה
nine) inquired about the whereabouts of his wife in order to emphasize
her modesty – she was “In the tent” – in order to endear her to her ה ָנּ ִחי ֶשְׂי" – "ה ָנּ ִח ְשַׂי ֶי ֶא ב ִל ְבּ ה ָג ָא ְדּ" ]ה"כ ,ב"י י ֵל ְֶ ֶמ[ רוּס ָׁ ַה
husband (Gemara Babba Metziah 77, and also Rashi in commentary ב ֵלּ ַה ל ַע ת ִצ ִחּל ה ָג ָא ְדּ ַה ִֶ ְכּ ,רֹמא ֵל ]א"ע ה"ע א ָמּי[ "םי ֶר ֵח ֲא ַל
on that pasuk) to instruct us that even an elderly couple, and even
among our holy Avot there is this concept of “increasing bonding.” י ֶֶ ְפ ַנ ךְ ִרֹצ ֵֶי ה ָשּׁ ֶא ָל ם ָלוּא .ּל ל ַקֻּי ְו ,םי ֶר ֵח ֲא ַל ה ָנּ ִר ְׁ ַסְי -

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