Page 58 - Kindness - No Forward

understand how you feel”), and politely standing firm with the request (“I’m
not paying full price for this meal”), a compromise is reached.

Please note that in this case, I got more than I would have settled for. I
would have accepted a discount; instead I received a free evening. By
asking me what he could do to solve my problem, the manager would have
saved some money. (Incidentally, it’s only fair to note that in a case like
this, offering a refund or credit induces one to come back again, so the
grantor of the credit anticipates getting a return on his investment.)

Sometimes people will ask if we won’t start sounding silly saying “I
understand how you feel” all the time during a conversation. The answer is
yes, we will.

So we need to learn a number of alternatives to use after we’ve stated our
understanding one or two times.

“I understand that.”

“I’m with you there.”

“I see your perspective.”

“I can see it that way.”

These should be used only after stating, “I understand how you feel”
initially.

Remember, we are not agreeing with facts. And we are not claiming to
“know” how someone is feeling. We understand.

In fact, if someone comes back with “How could you know what I feel?
You’ve never waited tables/answered phones/had a computer eat your
files/etc.” The response is “You’re right. But I sensed your
frustration/anger/sadness, etc. and if that is what you are feeling, I
understand that.”

Defensive behavior:
• Is a result of real or perceived criticism, often unspoken.
• Comes as a result of a need to justify our actions.
• Destroys relationships.