Page 240 - It Ends with Us

courtyard with a group of your friend s. I watched you for a long time,

trying to work up the courage to walk over to you. You were laughi ng .
You looked ha ppy. You were vibrant like I’d nev er seen you bef ore. I
ha d nev er fel t tha t kind of ha ppines s for ano ther pers on like I fel t
when I saw you tha t day. Just kno wing you were okay . . .”
He pauses for a moment . My ha nd s are clenc hed around my
stomach, bec ause it hu rts. It hu rts kno wing I was so close to hi m and I

didn’t ev en kno w.
“I beg an walking toward you when someo ne came up behi nd you.
A guy. He dropped to hi s knees nex t to you and when you saw hi m,
you smiled and threw your arms around hi m. Then you kissed hi m.”
I close my ey es . He was just a boy I dat ed for six months . He never even
made me feel a frac tion of what I had felt for Atlas .
He blows out a sha rp brea th. “I lef t after tha t. When I saw tha t you

were ha ppy, it was the worst and bes t feel ing a pers on could ev er ha ve
at onc e. But I bel iev ed at that point tha t my life was still no t good
eno ugh for you. I ha d no thi ng to offer you but love, and to me, you
des er ved more tha n tha t. The nex t day I signed up for ano ther tour
in the Marines . And no w . . .” He tosses hi s ha nd up lazily in the air,
like no thi ng about hi s life is impres sive.

I bury my hea d in my ha nd s to take a moment . I quiet ly griev e wha t
could ha ve been. Wha t is. Wh at wasn’t. My fing ers move to the tattoo
on my sho ulder. I beg in to wond er if I’ll ev er be able to fil l in tha t
ho le no w.
It makes me wond er if Atlas ev er feel s like I fel t when I got thi s
tattoo. Like all the air is bei ng let out of hi s hea rt.
I still don’t unders tand why he lied to me after runni ng int o me at

hi s res taurant . If he rea lly fel t the thi ng s I fel t for hi m, why would he
make somet hi ng like tha t up?
“Why did you lie about ha ving a girlfriend ?”
He rubs a ha nd over hi s face and I can alrea dy see the reg ret
bef ore I ev en hea r it in hi s voice. “I said tha t bec ause . . . you looked
ha ppy tha t ni ght . When I saw you tel ling hi m goodbye, it hu rt like

hel l, but at the same time I was rel iev ed tha t you seem ed to be in a
rea lly good place. I didn’t want you to worr y about me. And I don’t
kno w . . . maybe I was a little jea lous. I don’t kno w, Lily. I reg ret ted
lying to you as soon as I did it.”