Page 189 - Essentials of Human Communication

168 ChaPter 8 Managing Interpersonal Conflict

Communication Strategies that enhance positive face involve helping the other person to main-
Choice Point tain a positive image, an image as competent and trustworthy, able and good. Even
resolving Differences when you get what you want, say by bargaining, it’s wise to help the other person
You’ve just moved into a new retain positive face; this makes it less likely that future conflicts will arise and increases
apartment. Unfortunately, your next-door the likelihood that the relationship can be repaired (Donahue, 1992).
neighbors play their stereo loudly and long Instead of using face-attacking strategies, consider face-saving strategies:
into the night. You need to say something
but just aren’t sure how to go about it. ● Confirm the other person’s self-image.
What options do you have for dealing with ● Listen supportively and actively. Express your support or empathy: I can understand
this situation? To whom might you speak? how you feel. I can appreciate that my handling the checkbook could create a feeling
Through what channel? What would you say? of inequality.
● Use I-messages that avoid blaming the other person.
● Use excuses and apologies as appropriate. (See Chapter 6, pp. 132–133.)
● Respect the other person’s negative face needs by making few (if any) demands; also
respect the other person’s time, space (especially in times of stress), and point of view.

silenCers anD faCilitating Open expressiOn
Silencers are a wide variety of unproductive fighting techniques that literally silence another
person. One frequently used silencer is crying. When a person is unable to deal with a con-
flict or when winning seems unlikely, the person may cry, and thus silence the other person.
Another silencer is to feign extreme emotionalism—to yell and scream and pretend to be
losing control. Still another is to develop some “physical” reaction—headaches and shortness
of breath are probably the most popular. One of the major problems with such silencers is
that as an opponent you can never be certain that they are mere tactics; they may be real
physical reactions that you should pay attention to. Regardless of what you do, the conflict
remains unexamined and unresolved.
In addition to avoiding silencers, avoid power tactics (e.g., raising your voice or threaten-
ing physical force) that suppress or inhibit freedom of expression. Such tactics are designed
to put the other person down and to subvert real interpersonal equality.
Instead of using silencers, try to facilitate open expression:

● Listen actively and give appropriate and positive feedback.
● Verbalize your appreciation for how the other person sees the conflict (say, by punctuat-
ing the conflict episode differently).
● Create or increase immediacy—a sense of interest in and liking for the other person in an
interchange (discussed in Chapter 6).
● Give the other person permission to express himself or herself openly and honestly.

gunnysaCking anD present fOCus
The process of gunnysacking is the unproductive conflict strategy of storing up grievances—
as if in a gunnysack—and then unloading them when an argument arises (Bach & Wyden,
Communication 1968). The immediate occasion for unloading stored-up grievances may be relatively
Choice Point simple (or so it may seem at first); for example, say you come home late one night
Conflict Management without calling. Instead of arguing about this, the gunnysacker pours out a mass of
Your dorm mate is very unrelated past grievances. As you probably know from experience, gunnysacking
popular and has an open-door policy. does nothing to help resolve conflict and often begets further gunnysacking. Fre-
Throughout the day and evening, friends quently, the trigger problem never gets addressed. Instead, resentment and hostility
drop by to chat, borrow a book, check their escalate.
e-mail, and do a range of things—all of Instead of gunnysacking, focus on the present:
which prevents you from studying. You
need to resolve this problem. What can you ● Concentrate on the here and now, rather than on issues that occurred two months ago.
say to your roommate to begin to change this ● Focus your conflict on the person with whom you’re fighting, not on the person’s
situation? What channel would you use?
mother, child, or friends.