Page 187 - Essentials of Human Communication

166 ChaPter 8 Managing Interpersonal Conflict

SkIll DeveloPment exPerIenCe

Constructing I-messages

Recognizing a conflict starter early—some incident that signals that this is the beginning of an interpersonal
conflict— can often diffuse a later and more extensive conflict. Here, for example, are accusatory comments
using you-messages. Turn each of these into an I-message. What do you see as the major differences between
Generally and perhaps you-messages and I-messages?
especially in conflict 1. You’re late again. You’re always late. Your lateness is so inconsiderate!
situations, I-messages 2. All you do is sit home and watch cartoons; you never do anything useful.
are less likely to 3. Well, there goes another anniversary that you forgot.
aggravate conflict than 4. You think I’m fat, don’t you?
are you-messages. 5. You never want to do what I want. We always have to do what you want.

become equally evaluative and judgmental. In contrast, when you describe what happened
or what you want, it creates no such defensiveness and is generally seen as supportive. The
distinction between evaluation and description can be seen in the differences between
you-messages and I-messages.

evaluative you-Messages Descriptive i-Messages
You never reveal your feelings. I sure would like hearing how you feel
about this.
You just don’t plan ahead. I need to know what our schedule for the
next few days will be.
You never call me. I’d enjoy hearing from you more often.

If you put yourself in the role of the listener hearing these statements, you probably can
feel the resentment or defensiveness that the evaluative messages (you-messages) would cre-
ate and the supportiveness from the descriptive messages (I-messages).

Control When you try to control the behavior of another person, when you order that
person to do this or that, or when you make decisions without mutual discussion and agree-
ment, defensiveness is a likely response. Control messages deny the legitimacy of the person’s
contributions and in fact deny his or her importance. On the other hand, when you focus on
the problem at hand—not on controlling the situation or getting your own way—defensiveness
is much less likely. This problem orientation invites mutual participation and recognizes the
significance of each person’s contributions.

strategy When you use strategy and try to get around other people or situations
Communication through manipulation—especially when you conceal your true purposes—others are
Choice Point likely to resent it and to respond defensively. But when you act openly and with
empathy spontaneity, you’re more likely to create an atmosphere that is equal and honest.
Your roommate just made the
dean’s list (as did you) and as a reward neutrality When you demonstrate neutrality—in the sense of indifference
received a new Mercedes from a rich uncle. or a lack of caring for the other person—it’s likely to create defensiveness. Neutrality
Your roommate is ecstatic and runs to you to seems to show a lack of empathy or interest in the thoughts and feelings of the other
share the news. You want to demonstrate em- person; it is especially damaging when intimates are in conflict. This kind of talk
pathy, but in all honesty you’re annoyed that says, in effect, “You’re not important or deserving of attention and caring.”
some people just seem to get everything. When, on the other hand, you demonstrate empathy, defensiveness is unlikely to
What are some things you can say that would occur. Although it can be especially difficult in conflict situations, try to show that
demonstrate empathy? Would you express your you can understand what the other person is going through and that you accept
true feelings? If so, what would you say?
these feelings.