Page 186 - Essentials of Human Communication

Conflict Management Strategies 165

● Take ownership of your thoughts and feelings. When you disagree with your part- Communication
ner or find fault with her or his behavior, take responsibility for these feelings. Choice Point
Say, for example, “I disagree with . . . ” or “I don’t like it when you. . . . ” Avoid avoiding Conflict
statements that deny your responsibility: “Everybody thinks you’re wrong Your work team members all
about . . . ” or “Chris thinks you shouldn’t. . . . ” seem to have the same conflict style: avoid-
● Focus on the present. Concentrate your attention on the here and now, rather ance. When there is disagreement, they re-
than on issues that occurred two months ago. Similarly, focus your conflict on fuse to argue for one alternative or the other
the person with whom you’re fighting, not on the person’s parents, child, or or even to participate in the discussion. You
friends. need spirited discussion and honest debate
if your team is going to come up with
● listen carefully. Act and think as a listener. Turn off the television, stereo, or appropriate solutions. What options do you
computer; face the other person. Devote your total attention to the other person. have for dealing with this problem? What
Make sure you understand what the person is saying and feeling. Use perception would you say?
checking (Chapter 2) and active listening techniques (Chapter 3). And, get ready
to listen to the other person’s responses to your statements.

fOrCe anD talk

When confronted with conflict, many people prefer to force their position on the other per-
son, not to deal with the issues. Force is an unproductive conflict strategy that may be emo-
tional or physical. In either case, however, the issues are avoided and the “winner” is the
combatant who exerts the most force. This is the technique of warring nations, quarreling
children, and even some normally sensible and mature adults.
In one study more than 50 percent of both single people and married couples reported
that they had experienced physical violence in their relationships. If symbolic violence was
included (e.g., threatening to hit the other person or throwing something), the percentages
rose above 60 percent for singles and above 70 percent for married couples (Marshall & Rose,
1987). In another study, 47 percent of a sample of 410 college students reported some experi-
ence with violence in a dating relationship (Deal & Wampler, 1986). In most cases the vio-
lence was reciprocal—each person in the relationship used violence. In cases in which only
one person was violent, the research results are conflicting. For example, some surveys (Deal
& Wampler, 1986; Cate, Henton, Koval, Christopher, & Lloyd, 1982) have found that in such
cases the aggressor was significantly more often the female partner. Other research, however,
has tended to confirm the widespread view that men are more likely to use force than women
(DeTurck, 1987).
Instead of resorting to force, consider the value of talking and listening:
● Explain what you think the problem is about and listen to what the other person says
about the problem.
● Talk about what you want and listen to what the other person wants.
● Talk over possible solutions and listen to the proposed solutions of the other person.
● Talk the conflict through a logical sequence from understanding the problem through
evaluating a solution. (Take a look at the Problem-Solving Sequence discussed in Chap-
ter 9, pp. 184–186.)

Defensiveness anD suppOrtiveness
Although talking is preferred to using force, not all talk is equally productive in conflict reso-
lution. One of the best ways to look at destructive versus productive talk is to look at how the
style of your communications can create unproductive defensiveness or a productive sense
of supportiveness, a system developed by Jack Gibb (1961). The type of talk that generally
proves destructive and sets up defensive reactions in the listener is talk that is evaluative, con-
trolling, strategic, indifferent or neutral, superior, and certain.

evaluation When you evaluate or judge another person or what that person has done,
that person is likely to become resentful and defensive and perhaps at the same time to