Page 51 - Essentials of Human Communication

30 CHapTer 2 Perception of Self and Others

fake, a fraud, one who doesn’t really deserve to be considered successful
(Clance, 1985; Harvey & Katz, 1985). Even though others may believe
you are a success, you “know” that they are wrong. One of the dangers of
this belief is that it may prevent you from seeking advancement in your
profession, believing you won’t be up to the task. Becoming aware that
such beliefs are not uncommon and that they are not necessarily perma-
nent should help relieve some of these misperceptions. Another useful
aid is to develop a relationship with an honest and knowledgeable mentor
who will not only teach you the ropes but will let you know that you are
successful.

Seek Out nourishing people Psychologist Carl Rogers (1970)
drew a distinction between noxious and nourishing people. Noxious peo-
ple criticize and find fault with just about everything. Nourishing people,
on the other hand, are positive and optimistic, and make us feel good
about ourselves. To enhance your self-esteem, seek out nourishing peo-
ple and avoid noxious people. At the same time, seek to become more
nourishing yourself so that you can build others’ self-esteem while im-
proving your own.

work on projects that will result in Success Some people want
to fail, or so it seems. Often they select projects that will result in failure
simply because they are impossible to complete. Avoid this trap and choose
projects that will result in success. Each success will help build self-esteem
VIewpOIntS and make the next success a little easier. If a project does fail, recognize that
Self-esteem this does not mean you’re a failure. Everyone fails somewhere along the
Popular wisdom emphasizes the importance of self- line. Failure is something that happens to you; it’s not something you’ve
esteem. The self-esteem camp, however, has come under created, and it’s not something inside you.
attack from critics (for example, Baumeister, Bushman,
& Campbell, 2000; Bower, 2001). These critics argue that remind Yourself of Your Successes Some people have a tendency
high self-esteem is not necessarily desirable: It does to focus, sometimes too much, on their failures, their missed opportunities,
nothing to improve academic performance, it does not their social mistakes. To counteract this tendency to dwell on failures, re-
predict success, and it may even lead to antisocial (espe- mind yourself of your successes. Recall these successes both intellectually
cially aggressive) behavior. On the other hand, it’s difficult and emotionally. Realize why they were successes, and relive the emotional
to imagine how a person would function successfully experience when you sank the winning basket or helped your friend over-
without positive self-feelings. What do you think about come personal problems.
the benefits or liabilities of self-esteem?
Secure Affirmation It’s frequently recommended that you remind yourself of your
successes with affirmations—that you focus on your good deeds; on your positive qualities,
strengths, and virtues; and on your productive and meaningful relationships with friends,
loved ones, and relatives (Aronson, Wilson, & Akert, 2013). The idea behind this advice is
that the way you talk to yourself will influence what you think of yourself. If you affirm
yourself—if you tell yourself that you’re a success, that others like you, that you will succeed
on the next test, and that you will be welcomed when asking for a date—you will soon come
to feel more positive about yourself. Self-affirmations include statements like: “I’m a
Communication worthy person,” “I’m responsible and can be depended upon,” and “I’m capable of
Choice point loving and being loved”.
Self-esteem Some researchers argue, however, that such affirmations—although extremely
Your best friend has hit a popular in self-help books—may not be very helpful. These critics contend that if
new low in self-esteem—a long-term you have low self-esteem, you’re not going to believe yourself (Paul, 2001). They
relationship failed, an expected promotion propose that the alternative to self-affirmation is affirmation secured from others.
never materialized, a large investment went You’d obtain this, for example, by becoming more competent in communication
sour. You want to help your friend regain and interacting with more positive people. In this way you’d get more positive feed-
self-esteem. What are your options? What’s back from others—which, these researchers argue, is more helpful than self-talk in
the first thing you would do or say?
raising self-esteem.