Page 82 - Essentials of Human Communication

Styles of Effective Listening 61

SuRFAce And dePth LiStening Communication
In most messages there’s an obvious meaning that you can derive from a literal read- Choice point
ing of the words and sentences. But in reality, most messages have more than one Relationship Listening
level of meaning. Sometimes the other level is the opposite of the literal meaning; at A young nephew tells you
other times it seems totally unrelated. Consider some frequently heard types of mes- that he can’t talk with his parents. No matter
sages. Carol asks you how you like her new haircut. On one level, the meaning is how hard he tries, they don’t listen. “I tried
clear: Do you like the haircut? But there’s also another and perhaps more important to tell them that I can’t play baseball and I
don’t want to play baseball,” he confides.
level: Carol is asking you to say something positive about her appearance. In the “But they ignore me and tell me that all I
same way, the parent who complains about working hard at the office or in the need is practice.” What are some of the things
home may, on a deeper level, be asking for an expression of appreciation. you can say or do that will show your nephew
To recognize these other meanings, you need to engage in depth listening. If you that you’re listening.
respond only to the surface-level communication (i.e., the literal meaning), you miss
the opportunity to make meaningful contact with the other person’s feelings and
needs. If you say to the parent, “You’re always complaining. I bet you really love working so
hard,” you fail to respond to this call for understanding and appreciation. In regulating your
surface and depth listening, consider the following guidelines:
● Focus on both verbal and nonverbal messages. Recognize both consistent and inconsistent
“packages” of messages and use these as guides for drawing inferences about the speaker’s
meaning. When in doubt, ask questions. Listen also to what is omitted: Speakers commu-
nicate by what they leave out as well as by what they include.
● listen for both content and relational messages. The student who constantly challenges the
teacher is, on one level, communicating disagreement over content. However, on another
level—the relationship level—the student may be voicing objections to the instructor’s
authority or authoritarianism. The instructor needs to listen and respond to both types of
messages.
● Make special note of statements that refer back to the speaker. Remember that people inev-
itably talk about themselves. Whatever a person says is, in part, a function of who that person
is. Attend carefully to those personal, self-referential messages.
● Don’t disregard the literal meaning of messages. Balance your listening between surface
and underlying meanings. Respond to the different levels of meaning in the messages of
others as you would like others to respond to yours—sensitively but not obsessively, read-
ily but not over ambitiously.

POLite And iMPOLite LiStening
Politeness is often thought of as the exclusive function of the speaker, as solely an encoding
or sending function. But, politeness (or impoliteness) may also be signaled through listening
(Fukushima, 2004).
Of course, there are times when you would not want to listen politely (for example, to some-
one being verbally abusive or condescending or using racist or sexist language). In these cases you
might want to show your disapproval by showing that you’re not listening. But most often you’ll
want to listen politely, and you’ll want to express this politeness through your listening behavior.
Here are a few suggestions for demonstrating that you are in fact listening politely; these are strat-
egies designed to be supportive of the speaker’s positive and negative face needs:
Communication
● avoid interrupting the speaker. Avoid trying to take over the speaker’s turn. Choice point
Avoid changing the topic. If you must respond and can’t wait until the speaker Responding Politely
finishes, then say it as briefly as possible and pass the turn back to the speaker. You’re working as a manager
● Give supportive listening cues. These might include nodding your head, giving at a restaurant, and a regular customer com-
minimal verbal responses, such as “I see” or “yes, it’s true,” or moving closer to plains about the server: “I don’t like the way
the speaker. Listen in a way that demonstrates that what the speaker is saying is she treated me, and I’m not coming back
important. In some cultures, polite listening cues must be cues of agreement here.” What are some of the things you might
(Japanese culture is often used as an example); in other cultures, polite listening say without losing the customer or your server
cues are attentiveness and support rather than cues of agreement (as in much of (who is usually excellent)? Are there things
you’d be sure not to say?
United States, for example).