Page 84 - Essentials of Human Communication

Styles of Effective Listening 63

Active And inActive LiStening
One of the most important communication skills you can learn is that of active listening.
Consider the following interaction: You’re disappointed that you have to redo your entire bud- Watch the Video
get report, and you say, “I can’t believe I have to redo this entire report. I really worked hard on “Adapting to Serve a Client”
at MyCommunicationLab
this project, and now I have to do it all over again.” To this you get three different responses:
ethan: That’s not so bad; most people find they have to redo their first reports. That’s the
norm here.
aiden: You should be pleased that all you have to do is a simple rewrite. Peggy and Michael
both had to completely redo their entire projects.
tyler: You have to rewrite that report you’ve worked on for the last three weeks? You sound
really angry and frustrated.
All three listeners are probably trying to make you feel better. But they go about it in very
different ways and, it appears, with very different results. Ethan tries to lessen the significance
of the rewrite. This type of well-intended and extremely common response does little to pro-
mote meaningful communication and understanding. Aiden tries to give the situation a posi-
tive spin. In their responses, however, both Ethan and Aiden also suggest that you should not
feel the way you do; they imply that your feelings are not legitimate and should be replaced
with more logical feelings.
Tyler’s response, however, is different from the others. Tyler uses active listening. Active
listening owes its development to Thomas Gordon (1975), who made it a cornerstone of his
Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) technique; it is a process of sending back to the speaker
what you as a listener think the speaker meant—both in content and in feelings. Active listen-
ing, then, is not merely repeating the speaker’s exact words but, rather, putting together into
some meaningful whole your understanding of the speaker’s total message.
Active listening helps you check your perception of what the speaker said and, more
important, what he or she meant. Reflecting back perceived meanings to the speaker gives the
speaker an opportunity to offer clarification and correct any misunderstandings. Active
listening also lets the speaker know that you acknowledge and accept his or her feelings. In
this example, Tyler listened actively and reflected back what he thought you meant while
accepting what you were feeling. Note too that he also explicitly identified your emotions
(“You sound angry and frustrated”), allowing you the opportunity to correct his interpreta-
tion. Still another function of active listening is that it stimulates the speaker to explore feel-
ings and thoughts. Tyler’s response encourages you to elaborate on your feelings and perhaps
to better understand them as you talk them through. When combined with empathic listen-
ing, active listening proves the most effective approach for successful sales transactions
(Comer & Drollinger, 1999).
Three simple techniques may help you succeed in active listening:
Explore the Exercise
● Paraphrase the speaker’s meaning. Stating in your own words what you think the speaker “Paraphrasing to Ensure
means and feels will help ensure understanding and demonstrate your interest. When you Understanding” at
paraphrase what you think the speaker means, you give the speaker a chance to extend MyCommunicationLab
what was originally said. However, remember to be objective; be especially careful not to
lead the speaker in the direction you think he or she should go. And don’t overdo it; para-
phrase when you feel there’s a chance for misunderstanding or when you want to keep the
conversation going.
● ask questions. Asking questions strengthens your own understanding of the speaker’s
thoughts and feelings and elicits additional information (“How did you feel when you
read your job appraisal report?”). Ask questions to provide only enough stimulation and
support so the speaker will feel he or she can elaborate on these thoughts and feelings. But, of course, not all questions are
● express understanding of the speaker’s feelings. In addition to paraphrasing the content, polite to ask. For a brief discussion
echo the feelings that the speaker expressed or implied (“You must have felt horrible”). This of impolite questions, see
“Impolite questions, what are
expression of feelings will help you further check your perception of the speaker’s feelings. they?” at tcbdevito.blogspot
It also will allow the speaker to see his or her feelings more objectively—especially helpful .com. Have you ever asked or
when they’re feelings of anger, hurt, or depression—and to elaborate on these feelings. been asked an impolite question?