Page 80 - Essentials of Human Communication

Styles of Effective Listening 59

empathy (Bellafiore, 2005). In thinking empathy you express an under-
standing of what the person means. For example, when you paraphrase
someone’s comment, showing that you understand the meaning the
person is trying to communicate, you’re demonstrating thinking empa-
thy. The second part of empathy is feeling empathy; here you express
your ability to feel what the other person is feeling. For example, if a
friend tells you of problems at home, you might respond by saying,
“Your problems at home do seem to be getting worse. I can imagine
how you feel so angry at times.”
Although for most communication situations empathic listening is
the preferred mode of responding, there are times when you need to go
beyond it and to measure the speaker’s meanings and feelings against
some objective reality. It’s important to listen as Peter tells you how the
entire world hates him and to understand how he feels and why he feels
this way (empathic listening). But then you need to look a bit more ob-
jectively at the situation and perhaps see Peter’s paranoia or self-hatred
(objective listening). Sometimes you have to put your empathic re-
sponses aside and listen with objectivity and detachment. In adjusting
your empathic and objective listening focus, keep the following recom-
mendations in mind:
● Punctuate from the speaker’s point of view. That is, see the sequence
of events as the speaker does and try to figure out how this perspective
can influence what the speaker says and does.
● engage in equal, two-way conversation. To encourage openness and ViewPOintS
empathy, try to eliminate any physical or psychological barriers to negative empathy
equality; for example, step from behind the large desk separating Although empathy is almost universally considered posi-
you from your employees. Avoid interrupting the speaker—a sure tive, there is some evidence to show that it also can have a
sign that you think what you have to say is more important. negative side. For example, people are most empathic with
those who are similar—racially and ethnically as well as in
● Seek to understand both thoughts and feelings. Don’t consider your appearance and social status. The more empathy you feel
listening task finished until you’ve understood what the speaker is toward your own group, the less empathy—possibly even
feeling as well as thinking. the more hostility—you feel toward other groups. The
● avoid “offensive listening”—the tendency to listen to bits and pieces same empathy that increases your understanding of your
of information that will enable you to attack the speaker or find own group decreases your understanding of other groups.
fault with something the speaker has said. So although empathy may encourage group cohesiveness
and identification, it also can create dividing lines between
● Strive to be objective when listening to friends and foes alike. your group and “them” (Angier, 1995b). Have you ever ex-
Guard against “expectancy hearing,” in which you fail to hear what perienced or witnessed these negative effects of empathy?
the speaker is really saying and instead hear what you expect.
Watch the Video “Listening with
Empathy” at MyCommunicationLab

SkiLL DeVeLopment experienCe

expressing empathy

For either one or two of the following situations, indicate in one sentence (or more) how you’d respond to the
speaker with thinking empathy and in one sentence (or more) how you’d respond with feeling empathy. Assume
that all three people are your peers.
Expressing empathy is
1. “I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Chris left last night and said it was all over. We were together for three
years and now—after a 10-minute argument—everything is lost.” crucial to meaningful
2. “I just got $20,000 from my aunt’s estate. She left it to me! Twenty thousand! Now I can get that car and communication, but it is
buy some new clothes!” not an easily acquired
3. “A Camry! My parents bought me a Camry for graduation. What a bummer. They promised me a Lexus.” skill; it takes practice.