Page 12 - San Diego Woman Magazine Digital Version

Women of Distinction

mentor, Fred Stemen, “Why and I didn’t know how to be
am I doing such painful work emotionally present for my
with families?” He said, “Look children. The fighting lasted
Deena, if you can solve the for about seven years. At that
highest levels of problems for time, no one understood high
people, then it is easy to help conflict custody cases. Court
people solve the smallest lev- professionals were just as
els of conflict.” Later, I realized lost as the parents. I had to
he was so right. I have taken learn how to end the conflict
on really high conflict custody myself. I had to learn how to
disputes, and in some cases become emotionally present
the fights had been going on for my children again. My
for more than five years. This mentor, Fred Stemen and I
is just an awful situation for had to keep trying different
the children. In most of these strategies until we found the
instances, I have been able to ones that worked. There was
a lot of trial and error. I went
settle the conflict down and
Photos by Roxanne Morganti middle.” 80’s. There was no research
get the children out of the
through conflict in the early
I asked Dr. Stacer how she
published yet. There was no
internet to look for answers.
manages to resolve what of-
This was a brand new frontier.
ten appears to be an unresolv-
Eventually, we started figuring
able situation.
“What I have found over
out what worked. I applied
the new skills and scripts that
the years is that there is usual-
Dr. Deena ly one of the two parents who worked. I calmed down. I
stopped being afraid of my ex.
wants to stop the fight. They
I was able to completely end
just don’t know how. I coach
parents the scripts, stories,
the conflict because of what
and strategies to help them
I learned. I became a better
Stacer focus first on being emotion- parent. I saved my children
ally available for their children. from permanent emotional
As the parent applies what
first high conflict coparenting
they are learning, their chil- damage. In 1997, I started the
THE ART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION dren respond with love and class in San Diego County for
gratitude because they are fi- the Family Law Court. I was
By Judith A. Habert nally getting their parent’s at- one of the first parenting ed-
tention. The parent begins to ucators to teach high conflict
hen a family is in crisis obtained her teaching creden- feel closer to their children at coparenting classes globally.
WDr. Deena Stacer is the tial, for grades K through 12th. the same time. As the parent I have traveled to Hong Kong
one that is called in to help. She then went on to get her gets emotionally rewarded by and have continued to teach
Doctor Deena, as her clients social sciences degree with their child’s love, they build the skills and concepts to help
call her, handles high conflict an emphasis in child develop- more powerful connections families end their conflict. I of-
resolution for families during ment. She earned her master’s to them. Suddenly, the parent fer classes online and through
one of the toughest periods in counseling and leadership. finds it is much easier to stop Zoom to help parents around
in their lives. Divorce does not Wanting to be as knowl- negatively reacting to the the globe learn the same
just affect the husband and edgeable as possible, she other parent and the desire to strategies and stories that will
wife, but often has a profound decided to earn her PhD in continue their feud wanes. It work for them.” https://www.
effect on their children as well. Conflict Resolution, through is a magical solution.” coparentingsecrets.com/
When there appears to be no a program at Pacific Western Some of Deena’s back Deena explained to me
easy way to solve these issues University of Hawaii. story explains how she is that not only is she dealing
among themselves, it is Dr. I asked Deena if she able to be so effective, “I with the conflict between the
Deena who is called upon to planned to go into her current went through my own high parents; she is also helping
bring a healthy and peaceful profession. “I would never conflict divorce with three the parents to manage the
resolution to the situation. have designed my life to be a small children. I was so scared anxiety that results from the
Deena attended San Diego high conflict expert. I remem- and frustrated. I didn’t know conflict. “What most parents
State University, where she ber saying to my long-time how to stop the conflict don’t realize is that anxiety

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