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            From the Chinuch’s comments it is clear that only a person who
         resolves to hate a colleague who has harmed him until he manages to
         repay his evil deed violates the prohibition of taking revenge. How-
         ever, a person who puts his imagination to work in order to calm the
         anger he feels and to free himself from bitter residue, with the goal of
         avoiding revenge or grudge bearing, violates neither precept.

                                                   

        Non-participation in a Family Celebration

         Question: 1. I received an invitation from a relative to participate in
         his son’s bar mitzvah celebration.  My initial intention was not to go
         because he didn’t join us at my son’s bar mitzvah. However, someone
         pointed out to me that by not going I would be transgressing the
         prohibition of “do not take revenge.” Is this correct? 2. My father, may
         he be well, also refuses to participate in this relative’s celebration, as a
         way of registering his unhappiness at our relative’s absence from our
         celebration. By doing so is he also liable to transgress this mitzvah?

            Response: 1. If Reuven failed to participate in Shimon’s celebra-
         tion, Shimon may not repay him in kind and refrain from taking part
         in Reuven’s celebration, for this violates the prohibition,“Do not take
         revenge” (Vayikra 19:18). There are, however, several authorities who
         rule that this prohibition is limited to situations involving belongings,
         “such as if Reuven asks Shimon, ‘Lend me your axe!’ and he refuses
         and then the next day when Shimon needs Reuven’s axe Reuven tells
         him, ‘I won’t lend it to you just like you didn’t lend me yours’ – this
         is taking revenge.” (Rambam, Hilchos De’os, 6,7) However, if a person
         avenges his anguish, such as if a colleague shamed or cursed him,
         he would not violate this prohibition. The Chafetz Chaim however
         determines (in his Introduction to Chafetz Chaim, 7-8) that practical
         halachah follows opinion of those authorities who are stringent in
         this regard.

184  1  Medical-Halachic Responsa of Rav Zilberstein
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