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however means respecting [their] stature, for respect is in a person’s
heart. In regard to anything that is in the realm of the heart the To-
rah therefore writes, ‘You shall fear your G-d.’ The prophet also said,
‘With its mouth and lips it [i.e. this nation] honors Me but its heart
is far from me and its fear of Me is a matter of mitzvos [fulfilled] by
rote.” (Yeshayahu 29:13) In other words such [an external show of ]
respect is worthless and whenever he shows any lack of respect a per-
son violates the command‘Each man, his mother and father you shall
respect’ (Vayikra 19:3) and he violates this all the more by speaking to
them scornfully.”

So it is clear that we must respect parents – having “respect for
their elevated stature” – as the Aruch Hashulchan writes further
on (ibid.,16): “How far does respecting them extend? If the son was
wearing expensive clothing and sitting at the head of a gathering and
his father and mother came and tore his clothes, struck him on his
head and spat in his face he should not embarrass them. Rather, he
should remain silent, in awe of the King of all kings who commanded
that this should happen. Had a mortal king decreed this upon him he
would be unable to evade it, all the more so now that it comes from
the King of kings, blessed be He. [However, he is allowed to claim
damages in beis din for their having torn his clothes. It seems to me
that just as when they want to throw a wallet into the sea and he is
able to prevent them doing so he is allowed to do so, here too, if he
can prevent them doing so to begin with, by having others stop them
from entering the place where he is sitting, in a manner that does not
embarrass them, he is allowed to do so.]

We thus see that we are forbidden to scorn parents in our heart
but we must revere them on account of their great worth since the
King of kings has commanded us to respect them. We must put our
imaginations to work in order to see them as “great and honorable
people” (Sefer Charedim, above), seeking their virtues and looking
away from their faults.1 It emerges that the same thoughts which a

1. However, regarding a case where the father is an evildoer, see our response to
Dr. Hoffman’s question further on.

188 1 Medical-Halachic Responsa of Rav Zilberstein